hehe… i been blog trolling again. it turned up quite a few finds for me, with regards to emotions, questions and answers. some of the blogs that i viewed, were really parts of these sites that i used to visit fairly often.

how odd it is though, when u read through the blogs and remember those times when u first started reading, how the author was like and what position he/she was, the events of that year and so on. this particular site that i had visited for almost 2 and a half years or so now kinda.. make me realised alot about time. i have been here for almost that long now. wow. lol. she was celebrating her 2nd anniversary with her boyfriend then, and now it’s the 4th year. feel weird hrhr… in this time though, i have changed, i have adapted, perhaps not alot in my own point of view after all, pretty much whatever i exhibit is truly me that was hidden beneath in a restrictive kind of society that i felt it was.

there was also the point that before i came here, i underwent a life changing course, which of course didnt allow me to be able to fully expend the outcome of it in singapore, and thus far, australia has received the full brunt of it, as well as the various ups and downs at the times when i had retreat back into my shell like i used to. regardless though, each time i go back home, or what is technically called my home, i no longer feel at ease, comfortable and so on, or even closed to being comfortable anyways, like i thought i used to. instead, i actually feel i belong here somehow. true, even after these 2 years, i am not totally a part of this culture, i have not explored even half of canberra nor seen the tourist sites that defined this place to the international world. but then again, i feel more “home” here than my birthplace. 2 years.

what a change.

incidentally, i have a few rhetorical questions to ask all of u. there’s no need to reply in comment (though i have reckon by now few peeps bother commenting, me included on other people’s blogs X-D), but really just ask yourself.
1) what do u really want in life for yourself?
2) what’s behind that want?
3) have you really ever loved someone for who and what he/she is, more than what she appeared to be?
4) do you love yourself? slightly more than a couple of years ago,

i have never heard of blogging, never heard of people writing their stuff on their websites. perhaps i am just not net savvy enough, but at that time all i ever did with the internet was just shopping and messing around with my websites from geocities and while playing neopets (check it out !!! http://www.neopets.com it’s cute :P). i did wanted to have an online journal of sorts but the html behind it was far too complicated for me and i didnt want to take the trouble to do it. as i said though, i prefer paper products anyways, and i often write in bouts of passion more than just a need to note down anything for that day. this often resulted in terribly long entries that makes up for the ridiculous amount of time that i actually spent on it, which was basically none.

the main reason i started blogging was more because i started studying here, which meant i have to email/write to all my friends basically regarding the same thing. now if ur like me, ur guna have 10 page 20 page long epics ready by the time they reply to your snail mail, and about half of that with the speed of email and what ever time they could spend. and it had be mostly about the same things. blogs by then made some sort of sense. again, though, i didnt write except when i felt like i had something i need to get off my chest. there never seem to be a need to write about something that is, trivial. going to school, walking by the river, stuff that u know exists but take for granted. you know how sometimes u talk to yourself, be it in the head or openly? well it has come to this point where i got fairly vocal about somethings to myself, mostly in relation to my courses, but also to other environmental issues. changes, disgruntled views or just opposing views to what i read.

i decided to just rant about it on blogs rather than look like a retarded person walking to school. n thus this blog was restarted with that in mind to just let me sit and rant (and u be surprise actually eventually some of these stuff actually goes back to my written assignments :O)

i chanced upon some articles yesterday, with regards to what they called “the father of blogging” or something like that, about a person named justin hall, who had blogged for 11 years by beginning of last year, spanning his entire college and post grad life i believe, through his dad’s suicide, everything was fairly out there. perhaps one of the failings of the entire blog would be his fame, his name or just basically stating who the hell he was. when he ended the blog, it was on a highly emotional note where he fell apart emotionally, cause he had a couple of failed relationships and, judging from his video, perhaps a number of failed normal socialisation with people.

i never got the chance to actually have a look at his blog so i can’t say for sure, but for 11 years of faithful blogging, resulting in almost 5000 pages of data, it must have been something. why did i call it a failure then? it was mostly from what i could gather from his video really as the site was closed. he felt that internet brought him a feeling of intimacy, which at the same time was pushing away people from him. he felt people couldnt trust him not to talk about them, not to talk about the people who lives about 3 hours away from him. i

n my opinion, blog is a good thing to rant, to let out some air for those frustrations. at the same time though, some things should be kept private. incidents that happens in your bedroom, incidents that happens between u and someone else, that from your own judgement should be kept private, should remain private. there are somethings i will not mention here, somethings that i choose not to. not coz i don’t trust the net, but secrets are something precious, something that if u hold to ur heart, u learn to treasure. this can include the people u know, for they are such wonderful people, the experiences u have felt, or just the place u live.

there are moments where, i know it’s ultra special. oh, i want to share with the world, but then again, i also wana keep it because its so beautiful it’s just for my own mind’s eyes only. therefore perhaps it should just stay there for me to cherish. of course there are certain such moments i want to share too. it’s alittle hard to explain perhaps. but somethings, just certain things, are what people don’t want to be shared. and i guess it kinda fell apart for him on that point. but as i have said, i havent actually read his blog and all i have mentioned was due in part to his video, which i have deemed as “screwed up…” because of the state of breakdown, reliance on internet and so forth, that he was. oh wells ^.^

why in the world am i ending the last 2 days of school like this? first i woke up beyond late for class, then i sound like a retard in my contribution for today.. “did the armenians look any different from the turks thats why they were targetted to be killed?”

i am like, omg what in the world did i just say?!?!?! when the words left my mouth i realised i looked like the ultimate idiot who has done NO research whatsoever, NO reading whatsoever nor attended any class since the first day of uni. good job panda, good job, u just out did urself in the department of stupidity.

in truth, what i really meant was, these people stayed together, they know each other, at one stage, they even married each other, why the hell did they raise the gun at the other party for racial/religious/cultural differences? that’s what baffles me. oh true, peer pressure, group mentality. but people like Hotel Rwanda exists. what happened to the rest of man kind? ur gonna believe what ever sir whats-his-name, king retarded tells u all the time? i dont know man i dont know. but regardless, this is’t about them at the moment, this is about the retarded comment. the entire class probably went into shock the moment the question ended.

i honestly could KILLL myself omg.

and despite all promises to sleep early i obviously didn’t since i woke up late and had to attend the 2 pm class again. then, i came back and was so tired i didn’t wana go for the after party tonight. tired, hungry, i was quite a wreck. went to get dinner, then linxy turned up. foodie… he cries.. “foooddd, pans, u forgot about me again!”

well not that i wanted to, but honestly we bought SOOO much groceries, i can smell his beef returning back to cow state at the moment because i dont think he has even touch it, and all those oven food, the milk which i finally gobbled down just before due date. i swear i can hear miniature cows mooing in the fridge now. T_T i am going insane. but yer, my point being, we have all these groceries, yet most of the time i am the only one cooking. we eat out, or he eats out heaps, he be at girlfriends or he had bought his own. ANYWAYS, so i didnt get his share of dinner, and i was hungry. i ate up my dinner and we went for SECOND dinner at noodle’s choice a neat new place.

now, that place has the COOLEST package for takeaway ever. ok for people who are used to chinese takeouts in those cute boxes, well i am not used to it. and obviously most of us havent seen it… but.. wow.. ok i will let the picture talk.
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i mean it actually looks ssooo cute T_T i want one!!! well just for… decoration purposes.. i took quite a few picts with linxy’s and wadge’s food, but then again i decided that one of the box is enough =X i have a tendency to over do things. of course it’s pretty senseless though, u cant microwave it with that metal piece sticking out. but as i have suggested to linxy (he insists that it is at times like these, he seriously starts thinking i am an alien… i am from the other universe called pandaria..) it could be highly possible that it is a microwaveable type of metal.

i mean, let’s see, things are being found/invented everyday right? taking that theory, they might be using something we have never heard of!!!

ooo before all that happened though, linxy got the number of his san francisco based clanny, called her up… we sang milkshake to her, with linxy rubbing his titties. quite disturbing really, especially when he’s in the car.. and we’re doing that while he’s driving… and u know, there’s a ditch nearby!! then i sang my classical elmo song. i bet omg, i am a hit with her!!! (at this point i am half fried in the brain with all my tiredness, and i still cant get myself to sleep, it’s not my fault i was raving since 4 pm, and then ranting here at almost 6 am)

then we went to watch hitch, andoo, rozi, wadge, linx and me.. now THAT is one movie you should watch. it’s one of those feel good movies, and pretty close to what the boys would have called a chick flick, but at least they found it funny instead of all sugary and stuff -.- boys have no taste. but it was awesome awesome awesome… i laughed so hard at so many things, i have no idea where to start. somehow, for some reason, them boys seem to find me funnier than the movie at some stage. like when i hid behind wadge’s sleeves while trying to avoid the awful scary looking fish lips one of the guys in the movies formed in trying to kiss this girl he likes.

when we came back, i caved in, and decided to go to the after party after all. changed, made up, grab a bag and left.

you know one of those days u know u can’t dance if not something is going to happen? or do anything to strenous anyways? well it’s one of those days for me. the last time i did it anyways, danced for 4 hours straight. i swear when we started leaving the dance floor that day, i was perfectly fine. when i walked outta the club though, i collapsed. i couldn’t feel my legs, i couldn’t see straight and all i could do was garble at the boys that i was tired. between linxy, mousie and wadge, they carried me home. part way thru, a guy started following us. it must have looked weird and he might have been concerned. after all, 7 boys and a girl who looks like she was drugged/bitch slapped/dead/drunk. but mousie yelled at him and he ran off like a pansy, so whatever intent he actually had, we never knew.

to present date, i was worried about that happening coz i am DEAD tired. if i over did it.. lordy… but i was lucky. the girls got tired in 2 hours. so while i am still dead tired, i didn’t flopped dead out when i stepped out. i walked abit more to the cabbie, almost got vommited over and yay i was home.

while dancing though, omg the people the people!!! let me bitch a sec. there were those who look at you waving ur hips and just wana stick their penis in there. so they walk over and try and grope u, hold u, so that ur gyrating ur ass against their penis and it makes them go umph! before they can do that though, i give them a deadpan look and started looking like a lesbian with my dear sweeties… all those gyrating hips are useful sometimes…

and then there are those more direct assault types. who gives u that “i wana screw u now” looks. to which i give a deadpan stare back, hoping that they get the idea they look like a FISH to me. and then those who just likes to fondle u all over, i drive the heels of my shoes deep in, even though i am on flats today, i stomped them hard. got to love their need for their feet.

and then there are those attention seekers who takes up HALF the small dancefloor to look cool and end up looking like drunktards trying to break a bone. no they are not impressive, they are IRRITATING people who takes up the dance floor which other people COULD enjoy.

all in all though, i did enjoy myself. a sober person who doesnt seem sober in all her actions and words… laughing at friends, acting homo as much as i want, pole dancing with a skinny friend, who of course decided to comply X-D by being my pole… perfect!!!

ok i shall stop my madness here. good night!!!