I have never been a morning person, and i wouldn’t pretend to be otherwise right now. from the time i was in primary school, waking at 6/7a.m was a hard issue. it would involved me trying to “wait another 5 minutes…” to my dad, my mum and, later on, myself. then it involved another 20 minutes of me rolling around in bed, muttering, “uhm… grff.. i don’t wanna… mmmrrff…” and another huge amount of socially-rejected, incoherent speech with myself about how life sucks but in my little “waking up” language.

today, with a deadline posted at somewhere near 5p.m, but totally covered with work till a possible 4p.m, i HAD TO wake up at 6a.m so i can finish my assignment. it’s a short 500 words statement to my lecturer with regards to my essay, and as of now, i am confused as to whether it actually counts towards my course because of a variety of issues.

at the same time too, what i wanted to get done isn’t readily available in books. i still don’t understand bits of it, and feel the need to write a 3000 word essay explaining everything rather than a dumb 500 word statement because i feel it wouldn’t have achieved much.

no seriously, how do you contextualise why the government did what they did during the Stolen Generation, eh?

1) for the general “white” public: to protect the whites from the blacks, who were “encroaching” on their property and causing some nuisance.

2) for the “true-blooded” “black” public: because they are “getting extinct” anyways, to conserve them in their own little tied off areas… and then they can’t vote, or do anything else, but to stay in those settlements because they might disturb the whites.

3) for the “half castes”: to assimilate them into the “whites” where, after a few generations, they would be entirely white, and then no one would notice they were ever blacks. this would in turn increase their employment, wealth and acceptance rate.

if it was up to me, this entire essay would be written with “racist bastards set out to eliminate cultures different from their own” as a title, and followed by, “they failed miserably because karma set them on fire.” and that would be the entirety of my essay.

yes, i will admit it now. there are many times through out my horribly long and lengthened uni-life that i met with mid uni-life crisis. to say i am disillusioned would be the beginning of it. sometimes, i don’t/can’t grasp things because i don’t want to face the fact that humans sometimes suck at being nice to each other. but if they were, they would be no need for politics.  however, obviously, i am now stuck in this little gutter where i OFTEN end up not understanding things. it sucks to understand few stuff in uni, when everyone else seem to know.

the other times that i do know stuff, i just want to reach out and wrangle a few stupid but very dead people.

ah… how wonderful that i feel so righteous, yet i know i suck at being nice to people too.  ^_^ back to my fucking assignment/statement shit.

usually, people miss normal lectures. there are MANY reasons for this:

1) lecturer’s boring

2) topics sucks

3) overslept

4) having sex

5) better things to do

6) slave labour

we had a guest lecturer today though, which normally means extraordinarily GOOD attendance. the last time we had a guest lecturer, even people i have never seen before (read: frequent absentees) turned up. class had the first 100% attendance in… 3 months by then or something.

today, out of 50.. we had…

EIGHT.

wow. the guest lecturer was mortified. truth be told, he rushed through the lecture, sometimes stammering, sometimes just reading mindlessly off his well-prepared speech. at the end of it, without so much as a bye to us, he left.

as Trish, our normal lecturer, pointed out, he was a little stunned and embarrassed. he didn’t know if it was because no one liked him, or no one liked the topic he was bringing up - either ways, it hurt his ego. and what was his topic about?

Media’s exposure of Abu Ghraib’s misdemeanors.

I wasn’t shocked or anything, because i have already seen those pictures, un-censored, quite a few times already by now. it’s hard not to notice, since it was everywhere when news first broke. personally, i think the media did more harm in terms of America’s relation with the rest of the Muslim world than they had really know. Then again, with the news running like wild fire back then, there were few people i know that still liked America.

Muslims deemed dogs as not “halal”, and because the middle east is still pretty conservative, being naked infront of women, forced to kneel, covered in excrement…. it was worse than death. when you think about how 90% of them were innocent, and how they maybe released, and perhaps well compensated… nothing will be able to replace what happened to them. they take it away with them, perhaps to haunt them till they die. who knows, some of them might have committed suicide now for the shame they went through.

and for all that, with all your heart, imagine being one of the family members of these guys. wouldn’t you want to be part of the Taliban now, eh?

Lynndie England, the chick in the above photo, might be older now, wiser now, but i am afraid it will take a long time before people forget her face and link it to the torture that she meted out. perhaps that’s karma - to live the nightmare that she too had dished out to someone else.

but on to lighter topics…

i have started cleaning up this place, slowly but surely. Waifie did most of the hard work though, and now we have a good, clean living room to invite people to. the people in the backyard have been too quiet, so i am getting scared. i did point out though, if they kill anyone, there’s storage underneath my house.

the 2 crazy ass girls in my class, who giggles till cows come home, have now exploded to a clique of 5 chicks. it might still grow, just like a bad tumour. one day, just one day, i will be throw a dead chicken at them.

mean time, i can enjoy the great scenary outside the class windows…

no, i didn’t photoshopped it :O i wonder if he’s selling the car….

Steve Jobs gave a really inspiring commencement speech at Stanford way back in 2005. i can’t tell you how many times i wept over the speech, not because it was such a tearjerker filled with “oh sympathize with my life” bullshit that some people do, but because he was so right.

I won’t say i was ever close to death. i have seen my dead grandfather’s body and coffin before, and i did lose a few relatives and friends over the years. but the closest i got to death, was me kneeling naked in the shower, weeping with the raindrops of water, and sadly crushing 150 panadols in a plastic bag. i was trying so hard to die, but i wasn’t sure 150 was enough. i wanted to be sure i won’t ever come back.

but see, nowadays, i ask myself, if i am to kill myself now, would i be happy with what i have done so far? or even today? would i go with no regrets?

many times, i would say, i think i have done enough. but i know, i haven’t. i want so much more, to do so much more. i am still scared of heights, i still haven’t written my first fiction novel, i haven’t gotten my drivers’ license yet… but i don’t want that, i want to be able to fly.

many times now, i have gone through a whole week, wishing and hoping, and waiting, for holidays to arrive because i am starting to dread classes now, for various reasons. so what do i want to do in life? what do i want out of life?

here’s my terribly short and incomplete list:

1) learn to fly a plane

2) sky dive one more time, just for the kicks

3) write a goddamn story

4) rollerblade around the neighbourhood a few times, preferably screaming my head off

5) learn a language, and swear at a tourist in it. wait, let’s make that 3 languages

6) start my own charity drive for kids somewhere out there in a “third world” country.

7) volunteer to teach something to kids somewhere

own the biggest fucking teddy bear alive, even if it’s for 5 minutes

9) walk around confidently in a bikini

10) surf!!! and snowboard, since they are almost the same, the form 1 item.

11) give hugs to everyone

12) forgive everyone i have ever hated, because hate and anger are such strong emotions that can destroy many things

13) stop getting angry so much, stop hating so much!!

i tried to get this going yesterday, and it didn’t go so well. there are some things you can’t turn back the clock for, and i think i might be too late for 12 now…. because someone might have been gone way beyond where i can reach her.

but! i am going to do something everyday, something that i at least if i die tomorrow, next hour, i know i have attempted something gorgeous… woohoo…. flying lessons in Canberra?