enough of the sad shit. i get too emo too easily.

by the way, i don’t know if it’s the computers or if it’s me, seems like the coding just went warped again, so bear with me - i can’t do anything with the computers.

 

so… these few days, i have nothing to do. i don’t really like going out so much because i had spend all my money. as it is, i visited daiso and almost wanted to buy the whole shop out - EVERYTHING’S $2!!!  - reasons to love singapore, right?

 

most of my friends are busy with work, with families, with their hobbies, so i have no one to hang out with some times, and i obviously can’t disturb them if they are all married and stuff like that. i am happy enough though, that i managed to visit most of those who matter to me. being able to hug them and kiss them and stuff is just so overwhelming you know?

 

so, i have been spending my time watching various seasons of The Apprentice, CSI, a couple of the O.C - stuff that i never had the time for when i was in Australia! omg, it’s like catching up on the tides of life all of a sudden! that said, even when survivor was running, and i had time to watch it, it never caught my interest anyways.

 

i am beginning to see why people are so hooked, in a love-hate relationship way, to these shows. sure, some of them make my skin crawls, like how bitchy some of those “corporate” women are in The Apprentice. Trump’s constant need to tell his sidekicks, “i think that was a good decision to fire him/her!” drives me up the wall. you FIRED that guy, you have already justified it, you don’t have to do that justification 19832832 times, as if to soothe your conscience.

 

the thing is, these shows brought a whole new perspective into my little mental horizon. like what my dad said: some people just don’t know how to mature, so they never do. that sometimes, standing in the frontline with everyone CAN bring down your entire team.

 

amusingly, The Apprentice has got me thinking about my career. if business is so much fun, laughing at people’s mistakes and my own (obviously having a good cry about them before that too), i can handle it.

 

Anyways, before i digress too far, with regards to the title:

 

i just watched an old season of CSI. episode Bloodlines, it taught me something new. Rare, but new. In the story, some guy raped a woman twice, finally killing her in the 2nd round. while being positively identified as the rapist initially, he was let off because his DNA did not match that of the sperms found on the woman. Due to some… observant forensics person, he found out that this guy is a “chimera”.

 

now, i have heard of the mythological chimera. chimera in genetics? i did a few search around the net and found this - tetragametic chimerism. The most simplified way to explain it is that the woman was meant to have fraternal twins - 2 eggs with 2 sperms. these 2 fused together, resulting in one of them “disappearing” or dying, however you want to look at it. however, their DNA lives on in the more dominant twin’s body.

 

someone theorised that there’s a few of us with multiple dna’s too, microchimerism, more commonly, perhaps, found in women. this is due in part to the exchange of DNA between a baby, and her mother, and etc. a baby’s DNA might be able to stay on with their mother or host womb for a few decades.

 

this brings me back to this question from a few months ago - how reliable is DNA then, in the light of all these? Add that to issues such as transference, unreliable testing, limited capabilities of the technology… while it is a GOOD factor for evidence, for a case to be won or lost, it should not be the 70-90% contributing factor.

 

just my thoughts

sorry, i have been busy trying to adapt myself to this place that i once called home. everything is so different here now. it’s a wonderful place, but on the other hand, it’s no longer so “me” anymore. not that it ever was, but it’s probably even further on ahead now than it previously was.

 

i went down to the embassy again on friday to try and perhaps lodge the application in before the weekend arrives, so i can at least have half the weekend spent at peace with myself that i have finally lodged my application in.

 

when i was first told to come home, all i was told was that all i had to do was 1) talk to the person in charge here, and 2) fill in the application. because, apparently, they had the rest of my details on file. so fine, i arrived on friday, with everything filled up, and this time with the letter that the high commission told me i had to write as well.

 

“but… you still need a NEW CoE!!!” said the person at the counter, the same rude, un-attentive person. he wasn’t listening to me on monday, and he certainly was not listening to me on friday. he commented, somewhere after that statement, that i was “excluded from the country” - which was correct - and proceeded to ask me if i had a letter from them (the country) that i have been excluded. this baffled me - WHY WOULD THEY WRITE ME A LETTER?!?!

 

then it hit me: he decided that since my visa expired - it must have meant i got excluded from uni!!! “why would i get a letter from them? i breach a visa requirement, it is JUST and RIGHT that i should leave the country - not be given a letter to prove that i have been excluded?!”

 

MAN! WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!?

 

i finally got exasperated, and insisted he just take whatever i had on hand and DO something with it. i was just so sick of him. why, oh why, do i have to get him both times i go there?!?! why couldn’t the ticket had landed on some other personnel instead?

 

then, the other woman i spoke to on monday finally explained to me, they need a new CoE because trying to get my present CoE through the whole thing would be the equivalent of trying to force a doctor to write a backdated medical certificate - the computer will not allow it.

 

for fuck’s sake. tell me what i need all at the same time. i want to go home. I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

 

i was scared, i was about to cry. everything is just… it’s just seems to be going wrong. i think she saw my face, and she waved my letter of appeal at me, “everything hinges on this letter, ok?” what am i supposed to write? a year and a half ago, i wrote a letter of appeal too, and i failed. i failed so miserably begging people for a chance at educating myself, how the fuck am i supposed to beg people to understand how it feels to be at this juncture?

 

that i just.. want to go back to where i belong?

 

i walked out into the rain, and just went home, a little dejected, a little depressed. all i want was to have a slightly stressless weekend. i woke up the next morning, and just decided to attend the evening mass.

 

i have never pretended to be a spiritual person, but i have always loved God, no matter how little my display of love for him is. i was just a little more than desperate, and i didn’t know who else to turn to that could understand me more than Him.

 

and i reached there, barely making it, since i didn’t know the time of the mass. i went in there, and they were reading… Corinthians. “love is gentle, love is kind.” heh. i don’t believe in coincidences, especially not in churches. as it rode along, i realise i wasn’t so much there to beg, as to realise that i should just trust everything in God. That whatever the outcome is, it was for the best.

 

i have to believe in Him, for He love me so much, why would he let me be unhappy?

 

but as it wore on, memories started surfacing. while i was converting, there were so many people who loved me, but whom i have always let down. there were the 2 people who loved me so much they wanted to be my God parents for the baptism, and for one, i was literally the daughter she never had.

 

and i had let them down in many areas i don’t even know where to begin.

 

i didn’t know if they had ever forgive me, or if they even want to see me.

 

i started plotting a way to see them after church, since i was also intending to visit norjit. but when church ended, when i lifted my head up from my prayers… i saw the almost everyone that i totally missed out in my self absorption, the people that i let down the most.

 

as i walked towards them, the tears came quick and fast, i was also scared they would reject me. every thought and worries about my visas went out of my head, because these are the people i do care for, but was also even more careless about than my visa expiry date.

 

but when they saw me, all i could see was a surprised look, and then eyes that shoned with gladness, loving smiles and voices, and big hugs. very very big hugs.

 

“welcome home cheryl, we missed you.”

 

and i missed you too.

 

i miss you too….

and so here i am again, in the net cafe. i might as well grab myself a membership honestly.

 

The last few days have been exhausting. i was running around trying to meet friends, as well as settle a few things with regards to the visa and my superannuation, of which i am withdrawing the whole lump sum so as to cover my arse for being overseas for such a period of time.

 

this has inadvertently exhausted me, all this running around i mean. because of the immense heat, and obvious atmospheric differences (more pollutants here and the fact that it’s humid), i now spot a growing, itching bunch of heat rash in the elbow nook on my right arm. my ankles looks swollen, although from water retention or from excessive walking, i still can’t tell yet. and i am still exhausted, despite sleeping some 12 hours or something yesterday, nap included.

 

i think, what is worse, is that i can feel my body physically swelling up. it’s gotten to the point where i feel horrid sitting down, and my jeans are too tight to be comfortable.

 

don’t like this.

 

but despite my complaints, i am otherwise slowly acclimatising. at least my head is. it’s not perspiring too much now, so it’s tolerable. i still have absolutly nothing to do, and am very tempted to just walk into the franchise here (of the restaurant i work in in australia) to ask for a 3 weeks’ temp job, because i am THAT bored and feeling weird about doing nothing.

 

at home, it’s finally getting awkward. when we go out to eat, i had offer to pay since family has literally -0- income. or, well, it’s NEGATIVE income. Dad’s still used to handing me allowance though, and when i wouldn’t take it, his face kinda fell. i paid for his lunch once, and he got so awkward he bought me lunch.

 

in dad’s mind, i guess i will forever be his little girl, the one that pick the seashells at the beach, with 2 ponytails and a hundred mosquito bites. at some level though, i wish he had let me help him.

 

health wise, he insisted he was looking GOOD. skin hanging of his limbs, skin hanging off his neck - no that’s not good dad, that’s really unhealthy. he won’t take anyone’s opinion though, not even a doc.

 

funnily, my mum attempted to give me allowance too. and tried to paid for my lunch.

 

yo. you guys took some money from me - it’s really weird to be paying for my food now ain’t it? i guess when i was away though, it doesn’t feel half as awkward as trying to accept my money in the face yer?

 

meanwhile, i am still in search of a way to upload the picts online. some websites are blocked from the library, and the comps here at the net cafe do not look half as reliable for me to chuck my sim card in. i have taken many photos so i can keep as a memory + show you guys wtf i am talking about when i say i get lost here and there. they aren’t spectacular, particularly for singaporeans or for me (at times) but it’s always nice to show off your country - which in my case is going to be easy since my country is not all that huge.