Closed Doors

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damn eating

May31

man i wish humans dont have to eat. then i can just sit sleep, play, games, shower go out shopping blah… i mean… the time needed to cook these things plus cleaning up and such. it’s just dumb.

why can’t we just lie out flat and absorb sunlight for energy just like plants? we are living things after all!!! in the end.. the sun is almost useless, save vitamin something that we only get thru being sunburnt and other things.

been playing games for the last few days since i was “released”. not sure if it was a good or bad thing, considering that it also happened to be the siege weekends ingame. i met more retards than was assuring. i admit though, in games like these where u practically live there, strangers are easier to piss u off than friends, coz u expect the same type of common sense as urself. when they do stupid shit, i know i get so upset.

stuff like talking like they know everything, like they have big balls. and i can actually prove them wrong. it just shits me. i play this game however i fucking please, thank you very much. don’t tell me who to rezz and who not to rezz, u dont own my game, i don’t tell you what to do.

what i can’t believe is the nerve of my friend, oh yer a friend, telling me exactly what to do in a game i BOUGHT and pay for monthly fees, what to do in a game. then threatening to kill me in a damn game just coz, ooo i don’t do as he pleases. hi, silly, notice how many times u killed me wartagged or nai. how much i care. none. i treat u as a friend with respect, do it as such.

funny thing is, he doesn’t find out certain facts. set isnt lars, and vice versa.

oh wells. whatever he say is correct…. it’s a guy after all. a guy is ALWAYS right. gg. like all good friends, they all annoy. i shall just sit in my corner and mumble to myself.

i don’t know what to do this holidays. dad seemed to have sent me extra cash to like, go melbourne or something. but its not like a damn lot. i need a break in a hidey hole tho, maybe outback alone? hehe, then i be eaten by kangaroos!

funny thing abt kanga’s and koalas. last few days i been talking to a few people. they all seem to be asking me the same thing. “have u seen a kanga yet?” “how’s playing with koalas?” “possums are cute huh, are they cuddly?”

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hi… these are wildlife you’re talking about. do i look like i am about to go get myself mauled by them for ur entertainment pleasure?

no. that’s right.

zoos are zoos. most of them are commercial, if not all. tame animals in there does not often equate tame animals outside. if i am to go out now and grab a possum like my ex neighbour did last year, i might lose half a face. not quite sure if its worth it at that point then… eh?

so for all you hippies out there, yes animals are cute, we ought to help conserve their numbers, they are a huge part of our lives.

that doesn’t mean i am guna risk my life to hold them in my arms for your pleasure.

dishes?

May30

may i just add, that i am writing this with full on fury…? ok not really, but almost full on fury, since i have tried to sit down and mellow out but, yer, it’s not working.

what happened tonight that blew me off, was that linxy asked me ingame to wash dishes coz he needs to use microwaveable dishes to make dinner for himself. there’s nothing wrong with that part, since i did mention to clean last night’s bout of dishes as he cooked. but much as he was busy ingame, i had also just woken up and was still in that blurry mode, and wanted to breathe a little.

or maybe just do it tomorrow. i had a siege earlier today and ended up not sleeping for the past like 28 hours before. so i was tired, aching all over and just woke. and trying to have my dinner.

so i was like, hey, i wash up often. dont need to have a go at me, i will clean up. so he started whining “but the microwaveable dishes are dirty and i need to make microwave dinner…”.

i am not sure if he had a look at the shelves though. there was at least a couple of microwaveable bowls left. the new bowls though, i am not sure if they are microwaveable, but if they are, that’s 10 bowls or something for him off the cuff.

so i told him “if u need just one bowl, just go wash one, its only 1 bowl vs many that i be washng.”

note: all these in clan chat, in a farken game. talking to me, 10 meters away, is so hard.

then he starts whining about how he’s been washing my dishes recently and its not fair that i make him clean this dish too for his own consumption. so i started getting mad. “look, i have also been cleaning ur dishes since we move in. it’s just one dish linxy.”

oh no.. “but yer most of those dishes were ur own, like i wash those dishes even tho there’s only 4 of mine and 20 of urs.” ok. u don’t count how many times u have washed our dishes since we moved in, but u count how many dishes u have washed vs my impossible 20?

so i asked him “and this conversation goes in the game? why?” no replies. next line goes out to wadge and andoo.

went over and had a yell at him. “why, u can’t talk outside of game dude?”

silence.

“i wash ur dishes too linxy.”

“and i wash urs too” sullen reply …

“yes but how many times linxy? ask urself that.”

“i don’t count panda!”

“oh and i do? how many times have u cleaned the bins?”

“i do my share too.. (blah blah blah that i was too busy yelling at him to actually listen)”

“yes u do, but ask urself dude, how many times have i cleaned ur shit, how many times have i carried out the trash and you have not. and does the convo with me ends up being ingame now?”

“no, i was ingame, ur ingame, so we talk there. i was busy talking to friends at the same time too ingame. what’s wrong with talking ingame anyways?”

“that’s not the point linxy! we live in the same house, u don’t live far away from me, nor upstairs downstairs so don’t give me that bullshit. and i am not here to be your maid,”

“i am not saying that you are! it’s just with all these dishes in the sink, i can’t clean just one bowl or 2″

“there’s not all that many dishes linxy. it’s just ONE bowl”

the hazards of living with someone u actually know as a housemate is that, when u do boil over, u boil over coz u have been keeping quiet about it for a long time, or u guys think that since ur friends, its ok to do this and that, not realising that the other party might not like it. then when u finally realises it, u hit the roof or the other party has already hit the roof.

first off. if u want to talk to someone who stays with you, do you

1) use the farken net to chat ? (msn/exodus/aim/whatever goddamn technology is out there)

2) or ask them in a general place in a game (something like damn irc chat with everyone in the goddamn room) to do something?

3) walk the fuck over by like 5-10 meters to that goddamn faraway place to ask if he/she is going to damn wash the dishes? even though, subconsciouly, u know if u ditch ur dishes there, and she being a little on the anal side, would eventually wash it coz it farken stinks?

i don’t know how other people view it, i think rl friends > ingame friends and rl is always more than a fucking game. or maybe i am wrong and shud stfu and listen to my dad that guys don’t like to lift a finger to fucking move out of their damn comfy chairs.

or better yet, listen to linxy’s conservative chinese friends and basically as a girl, clean the fuck out of his room, the apartment and whatever shit that is here, whether or not it’s my crap or his, just so he can play more games and relax when he’s home.

but wait, i am not his maid, i am not his gf, why the fuck would i want to do that, or see a need to? oh wait, according to those friends, its coz i am his friend, i am a girl, and I LIVE IN THE SAME GODDAMN PLACE. fuck that, linxy’s friend can be our maid.

but i digress. our home is set up such that we can use intercom on our phones. if i am on exodus (this msnger thing) i basically am contactble there for him too. and he utilises it well. if i am ingame, he talks to me there “panda, get me an ice cream since ur getting one”. while these are GREAT communication tools, our home is only this small. between my chair to his chair, its not more than 20 steps (small feet don’t count. small steps too.).

what’s wrong with talking ingame/online and so on? hey, u have a problem with me, come talk to me. ffs, do we live 10 miles apart? does he live upstairs? downstairs? big house? no.

none of that. i think if u think about it… hour house is probably like, 100m by 100 m or something. its bigger than that, well slightly, but then again, its this one CLEAR path to his room and mine. so its not like we need technology to talk.

he claims he’s talking to his friends online. ok i understand that. but you want somethings done? so u argue with me on clan chat? wait a sec. we live in the same house. what are you trying to prove? that ur right and i’m wrong and u want the world to see how fucked in the head i am? or that oo… there’s no need to worry about panda… she takes whatever shit i hurl at her anyways.

just coz i tolerate all manners of retarded piece of shit people hurl my way, doesn’t mean i have tolerance rate, doesn’t mean it will continue, doesn’t mean that you are right, and i take it at face value i am wrong.

as with a post a zillion light years ago, i am not anyone’s bitch but my own. while i don’t assert that on a daily basis, it’s only ’cause “hey we live in the same house. if i see his dishes, let’s wash it. he works, he eats at work, he eats out. i eat at home, so i use more, so lets wash more often, clean more often.”

it doesn’t translate to me being a whore, cleaning up everyone’s dishes. it just means i know where my damn responsibilities lies. telling me to do something that’s also partially ur responsibility, in a place and a tone where it seems ur right and goddamn i am a dirty slut, doesn’t mean that hey, ur right.

no, it means ur a stupid fool and ur guna make me hit the roof earlier than i should.

secondly, considering how much i have cleaned up our dishes since we moved in, cleared the trash and so on, it’s not likely that i won’t clean up.

i have my own cleaning rages, and i don’t like stinky kitchens. every now and then, linxy suddenly gets all hyped up about cleaning or eating healthy or something or another, and then yer, kitchen gets clean, we have hot food that he cooks. or something else. but on a more consistent basis, i clean up.

no i don’t count such stuff. but u know what… he’s done so little, i can count them. that’s how much he cleans. he’s taken out rubbish like twice now. before that, i can even remember him asking, if there were recycling bins in the bin center. that was like 2 months or so after we moved in.

other times, dishes piles up for 2 weeks. and he just walks past them, washes one or something, and uses it then piles on more.

and they sometimes end up being washed by me, looking a bit like this.

Picture-270

Picture-271

yer. that may not seem alot. considering how little bowls we have though, and how many times i went out to eat at that point in time (was a couple of months back picts), this IS 2 weeks worth. it was that many to take up 2 sides of the sink, rather than 1. and half of it was his, from a luncheon with his gf (birthday sunday i think).

the hazards of living with a guy, is that THEY ALWAYS FUCKING THINK THAT THEY ARE RIGHT. no i am not always right, i am not perfect either. but i admit that i dont wash up straight away, nor all the time. THAT, I DO.

i am not whining about having to clean dishes. i do get tired of it like everyone else, i do want a break from it occassionally, but i do do it. what i do whine about is if u contribute to that shit and u dont admit to it, or if u do, u just admit to a few of it, and then clean up as little as u can.

see, a dishwasher is a dishwasher. its not YOU cleaning up the dishes.

and if we have to utilise the dishwasher, it means that between 2 of us, we have either overused dishes, or its been accumulated over a long period of time. either ways, it means we are fucked.

i am done ranting. sorry for the long post. was just uber pissed that ONE bowl is so much effort. ONE dish is so much to be cleaned that oo, anybody should raise a goddamn ruckus over it or ask someone else to do it.

what are u scared of

May28

Tears
afalling down my face.
Heart
won’t stop hurting.

Four walls
Closing in.
Can’t breathe.

Can’t think.

Fear
races through my mind.
Lonliness
i feel

Four walls
Closing in.
Wanna run.

Wanna hide.

Hold me tight
I need someone to.
Dry my tears
I can’t on my own.

Assurance,
What i need.

Tell me,
my world
is not crashing upon me.

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