They say it’s bad to talk about your working life online, for it will come back to haunt you when people chooses to use it against you. They say, that when your jobs do google on you, that if they see you talk about work related life, that they might not trust you and the things you had do – especially with confidential positions.

I say… that people are smarter than this, that they will know how to evaluate a person and in them reading a person’s discussion, if it’s smart and constructive and not just about how they can sex up the next guy in the office, then I think people can see. People can learn to use that for good too.

in a few days, I would have worked in my current job for about 4 months. For the first time in a very long time, I have left a job because I would rather be somewhere else. After a month into the job though, I must confess, I don’t see myself there for longer than a few months at best – which is better than my initial expectations of when I was in my last job.

However much I loved retail at 12, 14, 16… It is perhaps no longer for me now that I know and have experienced so much. Every where I walked, I could see competitors, the distance between rival companies, the pros and cons of every related companies and, eventually, how the economic downturn is going to be one that is hard to ride out.

And because Australian markets are still pretty “strong”, how it will be extra tough this year to try and match the targets each month – because we were expected to bolster up the rest of this international corp. How people are using each other, how people are downtrodding each other, how insensitive people can get, how the office-hugging power trippers does not know how hard the bottom rung ones work.

What I always used to pride myself on was my reliability, my meticulous nature at work – at how I was so anal at getting things right no matter the situation. And for the first, and last time surely, I completely failed myself and the people I work with and work for.

It is not that I don’t care about the company that much, nor the industry, nor the people I work with and for. Hell, caring about the every aspect of the business should also be a part of self-sustenance, if anything else. because even if i can’t control anything, and dislike everything, I should at least still prove I can be professional, reliable and meticulous.

so today in an interview, I got angry, because the woman who interviewed me wasn’t wrong, although she wasn’t entirely right. this interview process is part of the procedures they have to go through, considering the nature and level of loss we have currently experienced. I wasn’t afraid as I have done nothing wrong.

But I was angry, because I have done nothing in my power to ensure that nothing could go wrong. In my relaxed state, in my state of comfortable-ness, I have allowed so much to go un-cared for, that in essence this is as much my screw-up as anyone else’s. if not more. for my job is also to strike a balance between the relaxed, the watchful and the everything else in-between.

I was angry too, that while she was wrongful about how I don’t care about the company, I ended up looking like I don’t care about the people I work with. I have allowed this to pass me by, knowingly, without stopping and doing something about it. Because… I’ve just decided it would fix itself, and to move on – when I should be fixing it.

Therefore, in my leaving, I hope it does more than in my staying. While the leaving wasn’t entirely planned out, even though it was hoped for, it is now looking like it would be positive for the people I work with and therefore easier on my heart that at least I can trouble these people no more. And at least, internally, I believe they blame me for all that has past, therefore they will not do anymore to these people for whom I do care for and who do care for me.

I am frightfully sorry of all that has passed, and I wish so much I could fix it or show that I am in fact quite different from this. that I can not only do my job, but will do it. And, if I have the time to stay on and help fix it I would. I could do this from the sidelines now, but I don’t want to bring more problems to the ones that are staying.

My traineeship starts next week though, and this time, I will bring my A-game.

Current Mood:  frustrated