i went to work today, feeling all shit coz i kept on calculating what’s meant to be in my bank, and i knew i am short still by about 1-200 or so. i didn’t want to call dad coz i know he’s broke. i didn’t know what to do other than drag on rent for another week or so or just a few more days.

but landlady has made the rent such that it pays off her bills. so i can’t afford to make someone else pays for the mistakes i make in judgement, in lending money, in trusting people to pay me back. and no, it’s not just purely linxy, there’s that ass of a william.

just to double check on my balance and calculation, i went to the atm prior to work. prior to this, i had about 4.2 k or so, just barely enough and needed abt 200 more to pay school fees. then i have 1.1k cash plus waiting on linxy to repay me back money so that i can afford rent.

then i would be broke for a week.

i opened my account to find a wooping 5.9k. i was stunned.

i don’t know where it came from. i called my dad. he said he didn’t send shit.

even now, using the net bank, things didn’t quite tally up. even after linxy paid me, there’s an unexplained 800.

i walked to work in the rain, getting all emo and tearing. i didn’t know what to do, whether if it’s my money or not. i didn’t want to have the false hopes, but i didn’t know where the money came from and if it was legal or a mistake.

it was after hours by then, and no one i can ask. the system doesn’t fully update till monday. till then, i would know where my mystery 800 came from. and i am still… in the middle of hopeful, grateful and sad that i have hit this stage where i go emo coz there’s fucking money in my bank.

when i reached work, i didn’t know how i could stand it. i didn’t know if i could work it. i contemplated getting the night off, because i was just standing there trying not to tear even more.

i guess, i don’t understand. how did i spent 5k on someone, and instead of keeping to his promises he just ran away and then later comes back to threaten my life for a mistake that he has done? how is it that people think it’s ok for others to empthasize with their situation but they refuse to do the same back?

infact, how is it also ok, that i lend someone money, and they can’t be bothered if i was financially ok?

it baffles, it hurts and i just couldn’t comprehend it. and in that few moments before work well and truly start, that was all that was going thru my head. “is it all going to be ok now? is it not a joke? is it not a bank error? dear God, don’t do this to me, there’s only so much i can take. 24 years now, it’s been almost 24 years now. and all i have been getting is shit after shit after shit.”

10 years old. that was the first time i started contemplating suicide. 10 years old, when my grandpa passed away, and i felt so sorry that the last thing i did to him was to kick him and yelled at him for not buying me a doll when i was 5 years old.

in that 5 years, i have never told him how i was sorry. in that 5 years, all i did was stayed in singapore and completely avoid him coz i was too egoistic to say sorry. and then he passed on. i clung on to the coffin, with chickenpox all across me, weeping and refusing to let go. i don’t know what to do. i still wanted to say sorry, but fuck, everything was too late.

too little. too late.

there are ups and downs in my life, and much as everyone like to think they tonnes of downs, i have my “tonnes of downs”. from being a failure at primary school, to being raped at 17 by my own boyfriend, to being kicked from uni, to trying to come to grasps with how to handle the unavoidable leaving of Australia.

as i walked around today, on my last day of being a noob at work, i still got emo, but kept to myself. for now, the financial bits seems solved. hell, i even have a little left over, enough to enjoy life. i walked around this restaurant thinking, “God, i don’t want to leave this place, but if i have to, i will. but i will cry. oh God, i will cry.”

from the laughing babies, to the understanding customers, to telling customers i am a mail order bride (lmao.. that expression from them was priceless), the memories of these i am not going to lose. i am not going to leave now, but when it arrives…

i will cry.

and be thankful that i had this experience.

fucking emo day.

one more day to go, before i considered myself at least out of the noobness at work.

just before i showered and got ready for work, the door bell rang. it was the person who bought my ibook. turns out it was a guy, despite a feminine sounding email name. he came in with his mum, with a bright orange hair and a youngish look.

great. charbie just got bought a punkster. well so i thought. i gave him the chance to have a run of the machine, but he seems fine with it, just on-ing it to have a look that it works and nothing beyond that. other than my macworld magazine, even my ibook glove went with him, so that there were no more reminders of my charbie.

when the door closed, somehow, the house seemed lonlier and sadder.

blah. stupid sentimental shit.

got to work, to find we were terribly under staffed. people who normally work the bar were out on the floor as well. poor don who was supposed to man the door with chewbacca, my store manager (lmao , i won’t go into why he’s called chewbaca) was just terribly busy and filled to the brim with trying to man both the doors and the tables.

and he wanted me to attach to him to learn how to serve and so on. in the end, because of the confusion, i asked if he doesn’t mind if i just take over entirely.

and from there, that section went from don to me. he does occassionally check in to make sure i was all right, and did the right stuff, cleared up my section for me when i got too busy and so on. i made small mistakes here and there, but he just patiently reminded me for each and every one of them, which was awesome.

most importantly, the customers themselves were ok with it. i was slow, because i wanted to make sure all were right, so i just slowly built it up. from cashiering to just plainly doing things independently, i felt i did all right. coz some people were busy, i can’t ask them to watch over me permanently. they were all understanding, nice and just patient with my errors (bleah… forgot to ask how they like their steak done).

surprisingly, it didn’t tire me out as much as it normally did, and time just flew on by. i was perfectly happy, dancing and singing to the stupid radio.. well not really dancing, more like bopping. but whatever rocks your boat eh..?

so despite the fact that charbie is gone, i have gotten enough money to bugger rent off, and pay uni fees, and now, all i have to do, i just set myself up for orientation next week.

if you are wondering, the secondary appeal failed aparna did a good job of hounding them, and considering how anal they were, i was hoping we had come to a certain compromise. of course, they being such… blah people… they just decided to take me for a long ride despite saying “next week, tomorrrow, next week”.

so in a way, i am glad i changed my school, despite the circumstances behind it. i don’t see a point in being with a school that cares more about it’s reputation, it’s income than the welfare of it’s student. although i understand that their income is based on their students, and that’s all uni is about really, i feel we need to be heard more than just “put in money, work your ass off and then please get lost.”

so yer. i am feeling nervous, still need to hear about my advanced standing chances, but i guess i should be all right for a while.