Category Archives: Rant

Sep3

seething within – the REAL story.

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seething within – the REAL story.

ok. so i was terribly happy with my garlic and chilli prawns, after all, it not only turned out right, it tasted right and was uber uber spicy. then my close friend came online to chat with me.

let me just say something, i don’t believe in cheating on your bf, gf, husband, wife and what gives you. i don’t believe in stealing boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives from your FRIENDS either. i don’t believe in airing the dirty laundry in public either, but sometimes you know, some angst got to go somewhere. so i take it out on poor noobs in game, i had go kick a wall, take a shower and put a huge dent on the water bills. nothing really goes public anyways as far as i could.

sometimes things happen, i know, you have a smooch with a stranger, or a friend, while you are still hooked up with someone else. it maybe unintended, it may be plotted, but it’s what you choose to do after that that makes a difference. do you go on? do you make something out of it? at the end of the day, choices makes the differences.

choices leads to tears. choices can lead to happiness too.

3 years ago, i was in a course that was suppose to make my life all great, starting with me finding myself first. i met a guy called mark in the course. at that time, we were warned and warned again, never to get involve with a coursemate till 3 months after or something along that line. we were even to sign a contract on it. anyone related to the course, we were not to get involve with them till after the course.

this was because the course was terribly emotionally charged, and you are very vulnerable during this period of time. even the slightest smile makes you feel loved, because you are at your most exposed, your most embarassed, anyone who accepts you, it’s coz they are “oh so wonderful”. or so you think.

i had a boyfriend back then, and through out the course, while i changed, he was having issues handling that. he couldn’t accept me being different from the me he knew. the sobbing, depressive wreck that i was. so naturally, we have our arguments, our differences. and me being me, i wanted it to work out, and to work on it.

however, i started feeling a little something for 2 guys in the course at the same time. then again, you would too, one’s hot, the other seems so nice and sensitive. well both are nice and sensitive, but one of them was hot. the hot one was someone else, the not so hot guy was mark. but i knew the warnings, and i knew they were true. i mean, hell, i was wearing tube tops, tight short skirts with all my blubber oozing over, and yet these guys find me attractive!

and they didn’t care that i was the different me that they first knew.

they didn’t care either when i was dressed in a clown suit running mad on the mrt. mark even said i was beautiful. i was in 7th heaven.

mark and i got closer and closer. he had try and help me in parts of the course that i hated going thru: facing my fear of height. we went out for dinners, we went out on wannabe dates, often with someone though.

eventually came a day, while walking to the bus stops, i was holding his arm. now, i often like to hold people’s arms. guys or gals. i try to refrain from doing that when their obvious girlfriends are around if they are guys, that doesn’t mean i don’t do it though. i am a clingy bitch, and i have 0 sense of balance when i am walking.

anyways, so i was holding his arm. i am not quite sure what happened next, whether he swung me around or he swung himself into my face, but either ways, my “huh? what?” was smothered with a kiss from him, to which i returned it. and there we stood, kissing and smooching infront of marina square. then i broke it off. but the mood was changed.

i felt bad on the one hand. boyfriend at home, me down here kissing some other person. but i felt elated too. this guy who had seen me at my worst kissed me! although we held hands, i still felt bad along the way.

the next few weeks, he had call me out for curry dinners at serangoon somewhere. when we go clubbing, most of you know how i dance. some call it dirty dancing, i just call it dancing as you wish, and that’s exactly what i did. whether it turned him on or not, it didn’t matter 2 hoots to me. besides, the rest of our coursemates were there.

i made it clear to him though, i wasn’t sure we should carry forward whatever we were doing. after all, i said it was an emotionally charged period of time in my life. i was having fun, i had a boyfriend whom i do stil cared for. it was a mistake, and i will think about him and me again at a later period of time.

that never happened. we drifted apart midway through the course, partly because i wanna make sure of my feelings. i mean ffs, i had a boyfriend, what was i thinking!?!? but the other part was, i wanna see how he is out side of the course too, and outside of interactions with me.

midway thru the course, he stopped turning up. people turned to me knowing we were close, but didn’t really think of what was happening between us. it turned out he owed people money and didn’t wana turn up to face them. he had money responsibility issues, and didn’t wana face them.

at any rate, he came back later on, supposedly a changed person and aiming to change further to be a better, more responsible person, but that’s his story to tell, not mine. midway through the 2nd part of the course, i came here. our contact went from barely there to none at all. and that was the end.

he was on my msn list, and i believe i am on his too, but we never really talked till about 2 weeks ago or so. he suddenly messaged me to say he’s together with my friend. and they might get married! they needed to know my timetable to be able to arrange a proper ROM coz she wants me to be there as a witness.

and they only knew each other for 2 weeks. but they both felt that they “clicked”.

ok fine.

i am not going to go further into detail what was happening other than what he said to her about US.

she asked me what i think of him, and i told her what happened plus what i knew. he’s a nice and sweet guy, but this and that happened.

and she started cussing and swearing. so i was like O.o what are u cussing about?

HE told her that I was the one asking for kisses, asking for dates. that I WANA BE WITH HIM, but HE didn’t want it coz HE just wanna be friends.

yo

you wannabe with me too you know?

and what makes you think she’s going to believe you over me? wei… i have been her friend since we were NINE. you only knew me from 3 years ago, and never kept in contact. true, me and renee barely kept contact through out our friendships. but we have this thing with each other called friendship.

why lie to her? did you think that FRIENDS don’t talk to each other? did you think i was going to keep mum if she ever asks? i treasure my friends, i wanna make sure that they would be happy, i leave the dossier there for them to make the choices.

the thing is, to your detriment, i spoke first in that convo about us, so she knows it wasn’t a retaliation. she knows i have jake, and GOD, do i love jake. so there’s no need to steal you away from her, she can have you perfectly fine, because i was over you a long long time ago.

so what else lies between retaliation and trying to steal you from her?

the truth.

so mark, you are a nice guy. you can be sweet. MONEY can be earnt. it’s called a job. not a rich wife. or a rich friend. or someone who knows rich people.

it’s called YOU. i thought we settled this money issue for you eons ago. what happened to “i am a responsible man”? it died somewhere in the last 3 years? yes i know rich and influential people, yes i am close friends with tonnes of them, sorry i don’t use their money. that’s why i am still shit poor, jobless and still struggling with my studies.

renee has her inheritance. it’s hers to call her own. not yours. not mine.

so let’s get the story straight. YOU AND I liked each other at some point in time, unless you kissed me for some weird retarded reason. you CHEATED on your ex gf and eventually chose renee over her because… she’s richer? perhaps. i can’t find an explanation for that, after all in 2 weeks of knowing each other, you guys actually wanted to marry AND got a gown. AND she has been spending 2k in the last 3 weeks just on the high living that you wanted.

and you can’t even tell her the truth about us. if you are really not into me now, or back then, you would have said at least that we kissed. and that you inititated it.

lies my friends, have a way of finding the truths themselves.

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Aug31

the bolster

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the bolster

ok, i know i am suddenly putting up a huge amount of posts, but i simply had to say something about this.

when i first arrived, to my shock and horror, no store i went to sold the bolster. in english it’s called bolster, there IS such a word. australians and otherwise calls them body pillow.

bolster and me

my friends calls it my “bed time giant penis”, just coz it’s shaped like one -.-

as far as i have heard, few western places sell it, and it’s rare and hard to come by. the few places that i finally found the bolster, AFTER i had gin’s mum purchase this on their way here, was in sydney’s parramatta, a place where there’s a huge amount of viets staying.

so i found out, it’s really a very asian thing. as far as i know, it’s been quoted as “good for posture” and it has been advertised so when it was ever sold here. thing is, few people buy it anyways, so it isn’t put out in the open market. which is fine by me, as long as there are means and ways to get it.

i can’t live without my bolster. i can’t! there are people who can do so, well go ahead, but not me. i had feel awkward if it isn’t around. it does not need to be there when i am asleep, just as long as it’s there when i am falling into sleep.

someone has called it my replacement husband, till i get one anyways. nuh uh. you gotta share me with the bolster man. :P

so here i was, blog surfing happily while having nothing much else to do save a huge desire to go jogging in the rain, when i read a blog where someone is settling in the states, on an exchange program.

there is no bolster where he is. or at least he can’t find it.

shock

horror

and since bolsters are likely to lose their firmness in a few years, would someone kindly supply me with them when i move over to jake’s? T_T i will pay i promise….

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Aug30

passing time

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passing time

still waiting on some jobs to call me back, while i am still searching for others. also calling some back to find out how my application progress went. i so need a job, otherwise i am screwed.

a few days ago, someone random i was talking to mentioned this to me after we discussed what happened in detail:

“the wise knows when to stop.”

for a few days after that, i was just in a state of limbo again. not sure what to do, whether what i am doing is right. people ask me why am i fighting so hard to stay on, why am i fighting so hard to stay in anu or australia for that matter.

i can never find a coherent answer.

while trying to cook some stuff the day after he mentioned that to me, i wondered to myself, “a stranger offering advice, and it was ‘the wise knows when to stop’. am i doing something wrong here?”

admittedly he pointed out somethings that was fairly true. i had 3 years to prove my worth, chase my dreams. 3 years to do what i purportedly set out to do, and yet it seems that i have not only taken everything for granted, i have also blew it off, way out of proportion. should i stop now and face up to my faults?

i had a talk with a friend during sheetle’s birthday. she was someone i looked up to despite being younger than me. she’s way mature beyond her years, way smarter, way more hard working. when i first met her, i yearned to be like her, because she was so… focused. at the same time, i didn’t want to be like her, because i don’t want to be a burn out.

she said i depressed her.

it wasn’t meant to be insulting or curt, but something sad. she couldn’t understand how someone like me could let depression overcome me enough to just shut the entire world out. she didn’t know what happened but she didn’t want to know because it had made her sad enough already to see me in that state.

so i told her about that statement, almost in tears, because i didn’t know if what i am doing is right anymore.

is it right to fight so hard still? to want to fulfill at least a part of my dreams while i still can, to do what i still love despite wasting a good 3 years already? is it even ok? my conscience weighs me down. i have already exploded my parents’ accounts, and i know i can’t do anything wrong between now and july next year at least.

but is it still ok to try and fight on? what am i fighting for?

on the surface, to all these answers, i can only say “i don’t know.” i can only say, i can’t go home to disappoint my parents, to angry parents, to more beatings, more tears, more pain. i am still recovering, and i don’t know when i can be out of the abyss, and whether i can be out in one piece.

i always tell people, if you want to do it, you can do it. i’ve always tried to live by that belief, but time and time again i have failed. it’s always great to be a victim, coz you get sympathies and attention. however, at the end of the day, i would still be alone and only i can get myself out of this hellhole.

do i want to get out of this abyss though? yes. what kind of help would i seek? not games. no longer games.

the past 3 years of running away when i have problems, it didn’t help. in the end, it made a mountain out of a molehill. and everything was what i “thought it up to be”, because in the end, problems either solved themselves or i can’t do anything about it anyways. running away wouldn’t bring jay to life. it wouldn’t bring back the 5k idiot ex owes me. it can’t change the fact that i have lost 3 years of my life, because i chose to in all my reactions.

so what am i fighting for?

my sanity.

in that immediate week after i learnt about my exclusion from uni, i swung all directions. i went from fear, to being in a limbo, from trying to be happy infront of people i don’t know, to trying to explain situations that happened eons ago to strangers, all that without trying to cry. i went from lying feverishly in bed, thinking of ways and dates to die, to searching out locations to die in.

i called norjit simply out of fear. i don’t wana die. but i wana die. it seemed like the simplest way out. the coward’s way out. the final form of escapism.

google. it’s an excellent engine. in my search for suicide methods, the most successful ones would have to be fire related.

i happened to be scared of heat.

sanity.

what am i fighting for?

i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to run away anymore. there are many ways to solve problems. money, i can always earn back. emotions and experience are something you can’t buy though and if i can, i want to save my parents from this embarassment and pain that it would put them through.

a few years ago, when i first came, my dad took on a private diploma, but because his comprehension of english is so bad, it caused him so much frustration and embarassment, he stopped going for classes. and he failed it, 2 years in a row from not turning up for classes and handing in empty exam papers.

i won’t expect him to understand my situation, because he wouldn’t be able to. but turning up as a failure might cause him to think he’s a failure even in me.

that’s reason one.

reason 2: this has become my home. i am not sure if i can even be bothered to try and fit into singapore’s society anymore. i loved singapore, but there’s few things she likes about me. it was the best time of my life though, and it did offer me close friends that i would never find elsewhere. but then no one is the same.

and here, i feel at ease, i feel a part of all these, even though i am not. in my state as i am, i am not sure trying to re-fit in would be the best for me.

reason 3: i know i have wasted 3 years of my life, and perhaps looking back on what has happened i should just give up. but looking FORWARD, i don’t see why i should. an average lifespan is about 60-70 years. i am going to reach a mid point soon, but i would still have at least 30 years to go on.

we all have dreams to chase, to fulfill. i have a mission to complete, and i am still not quite there yet, all due to myself. but i can, coz i know i can. the wise knows when to stop, not counting the past 3 years, if i re-start my life now, and yet still fail to achieve what i came here for, then by all means, i will go home and do it another way.

i am not going to stop just coz i failed once. i have failed many times in my life. at some stage, everyone has failed in their lives. i am not giving that as an excuse, but i had rather look upon this as a learning stage, a learning curve.

at each stage of failure, i learnt something and i move on. at each stage, i have always contemplated suicide, because there’s this thing in me which kept thinking suicide is another stab at life. what if all the buddhism idea of reincarnation is true? then perhaps i have another chance at life. another chance to try again, and not be an utter failure.

putting it simply, i just wanted to keep going anyways, but perhaps in another life, in another time. but if it’s going to be later, and if it’s still going to be me, then i am more likely to make the same mistakes and learn the same things while trying to get a hang of this thing called “life”, then i may as well make full use of this wealth of experience i have garnered now and just live it.

besides, if i do appear in another life, in another time, and discover the pain i have caused everyone by choosing the easiest way out, i had probably be even more weighed down with guilt.

i am not going to stay on and make the same mistakes. i know i lost sight of my goals, and i was just floundering there because i didn’t want anything to do with the rest of the world. this degree in itself is just a piece of paper, not worth my pain, my attention, my tears, my life.

but it’s what i wanted to do with it that does.

i’m sorry about the time i wasted, if anything, i would have gone back to change a few things just coz of the financial burden it has become.

but if i had the money, i wouldn’t have changed a thing because of the lessons learnt. it’s not an ego thing, however there are somethings that should be learnt, and if life has to deal it out the harsh ways, then by all means, it could make me a stronger person.

i will live.

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