will soon bring its delight”
“Nothing in the world can take the
place of persistence…Persistence and
determination alone are omnipotent.”
- Calvin Coolidge
I just ripped apart my room looking for my table organisers (UNDATED OF COURSE!! since i am so disorganised really hahaha) to help me plan my bentos, dinners, finance and groceries for the months ahead. being so far in debt to someone isn’t something i thoroughly enjoy, so I really need some solid budgeting at some point.
What was amusing was what fell out of the wardrobe that I tried to hide away: My two books worth of lists. One was a fairly thin one that I recently took out and mused over, thanks to Angel. It was written virtually the birthday before I came to Australia, aka December 2002. The other was an exercise books of sorts that’s pretty badly abused, but written quite colorfully in.
Which also had a very detailed list in it.
They were both lists of who and what I want to be, and where I would be (financially and everything else speaking).
The thin book was written when I was between junctions in my life. Where I was improving from where I was, and yet I was still a depressed and morose little self-pitying shit. I had a list of names inside it, names of people whom affected my life in the little things that they ever did. and guess what… I considered all of them acquaintances at least.
and they numbered close to 300, probably more.
My list of my purpose… in life was:
“to love myself, and to spread that love to everyone too”
“To give everyone happiness”
“to keep giving without expectations”
The 300 over names that I have written down, I have since lost contact with most, if not all of them. I will not make excuses: I didn’t bother to keep contact with everyone. I got comfortable with life, and I got comfortable with I grew into. They were not terribly insignificant people, but neither were they significant enough to me. What they did, though, was to finally shift me towards the vision I lost. They helped me lose that stupid self-pity, morose state.
But see, life is funny. the recently written list included a few lines towards, “I want to be useful to people” and then “i want to be a nurse, wtf!!”
Life is funny, and so is God. There’s a thousand and one ways to getting where you want to get, and sometimes the shortest way isn’t necessarily the right way either. in the time spanning the last 7 years, my desire to help others, to love others, still hasn’t changed – but my ideas towards socialising has shifted a continent and a half.
And finally, after all these damn 7 years, I am feeling I am taking steps towards the right direction. these are baby steps, for sure. In the 8 months since the thick grubby list was written, I went from not knowing where or how to start a nursing course, to being in an AIN traineeship and half ways through it too.
I am finally passing on the 300+ affections. /dance
