ok. so i was terribly happy with my garlic and chilli prawns, after all, it not only turned out right, it tasted right and was uber uber spicy. then my close friend came online to chat with me.

let me just say something, i don’t believe in cheating on your bf, gf, husband, wife and what gives you. i don’t believe in stealing boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands and wives from your FRIENDS either. i don’t believe in airing the dirty laundry in public either, but sometimes you know, some angst got to go somewhere. so i take it out on poor noobs in game, i had go kick a wall, take a shower and put a huge dent on the water bills. nothing really goes public anyways as far as i could.

sometimes things happen, i know, you have a smooch with a stranger, or a friend, while you are still hooked up with someone else. it maybe unintended, it may be plotted, but it’s what you choose to do after that that makes a difference. do you go on? do you make something out of it? at the end of the day, choices makes the differences.

choices leads to tears. choices can lead to happiness too.

3 years ago, i was in a course that was suppose to make my life all great, starting with me finding myself first. i met a guy called mark in the course. at that time, we were warned and warned again, never to get involve with a coursemate till 3 months after or something along that line. we were even to sign a contract on it. anyone related to the course, we were not to get involve with them till after the course.

this was because the course was terribly emotionally charged, and you are very vulnerable during this period of time. even the slightest smile makes you feel loved, because you are at your most exposed, your most embarassed, anyone who accepts you, it’s coz they are “oh so wonderful”. or so you think.

i had a boyfriend back then, and through out the course, while i changed, he was having issues handling that. he couldn’t accept me being different from the me he knew. the sobbing, depressive wreck that i was. so naturally, we have our arguments, our differences. and me being me, i wanted it to work out, and to work on it.

however, i started feeling a little something for 2 guys in the course at the same time. then again, you would too, one’s hot, the other seems so nice and sensitive. well both are nice and sensitive, but one of them was hot. the hot one was someone else, the not so hot guy was mark. but i knew the warnings, and i knew they were true. i mean, hell, i was wearing tube tops, tight short skirts with all my blubber oozing over, and yet these guys find me attractive!

and they didn’t care that i was the different me that they first knew.

they didn’t care either when i was dressed in a clown suit running mad on the mrt. mark even said i was beautiful. i was in 7th heaven.

mark and i got closer and closer. he had try and help me in parts of the course that i hated going thru: facing my fear of height. we went out for dinners, we went out on wannabe dates, often with someone though.

eventually came a day, while walking to the bus stops, i was holding his arm. now, i often like to hold people’s arms. guys or gals. i try to refrain from doing that when their obvious girlfriends are around if they are guys, that doesn’t mean i don’t do it though. i am a clingy bitch, and i have 0 sense of balance when i am walking.

anyways, so i was holding his arm. i am not quite sure what happened next, whether he swung me around or he swung himself into my face, but either ways, my “huh? what?” was smothered with a kiss from him, to which i returned it. and there we stood, kissing and smooching infront of marina square. then i broke it off. but the mood was changed.

i felt bad on the one hand. boyfriend at home, me down here kissing some other person. but i felt elated too. this guy who had seen me at my worst kissed me! although we held hands, i still felt bad along the way.

the next few weeks, he had call me out for curry dinners at serangoon somewhere. when we go clubbing, most of you know how i dance. some call it dirty dancing, i just call it dancing as you wish, and that’s exactly what i did. whether it turned him on or not, it didn’t matter 2 hoots to me. besides, the rest of our coursemates were there.

i made it clear to him though, i wasn’t sure we should carry forward whatever we were doing. after all, i said it was an emotionally charged period of time in my life. i was having fun, i had a boyfriend whom i do stil cared for. it was a mistake, and i will think about him and me again at a later period of time.

that never happened. we drifted apart midway through the course, partly because i wanna make sure of my feelings. i mean ffs, i had a boyfriend, what was i thinking!?!? but the other part was, i wanna see how he is out side of the course too, and outside of interactions with me.

midway thru the course, he stopped turning up. people turned to me knowing we were close, but didn’t really think of what was happening between us. it turned out he owed people money and didn’t wana turn up to face them. he had money responsibility issues, and didn’t wana face them.

at any rate, he came back later on, supposedly a changed person and aiming to change further to be a better, more responsible person, but that’s his story to tell, not mine. midway through the 2nd part of the course, i came here. our contact went from barely there to none at all. and that was the end.

he was on my msn list, and i believe i am on his too, but we never really talked till about 2 weeks ago or so. he suddenly messaged me to say he’s together with my friend. and they might get married! they needed to know my timetable to be able to arrange a proper ROM coz she wants me to be there as a witness.

and they only knew each other for 2 weeks. but they both felt that they “clicked”.

ok fine.

i am not going to go further into detail what was happening other than what he said to her about US.

she asked me what i think of him, and i told her what happened plus what i knew. he’s a nice and sweet guy, but this and that happened.

and she started cussing and swearing. so i was like O.o what are u cussing about?

HE told her that I was the one asking for kisses, asking for dates. that I WANA BE WITH HIM, but HE didn’t want it coz HE just wanna be friends.

yo

you wannabe with me too you know?

and what makes you think she’s going to believe you over me? wei… i have been her friend since we were NINE. you only knew me from 3 years ago, and never kept in contact. true, me and renee barely kept contact through out our friendships. but we have this thing with each other called friendship.

why lie to her? did you think that FRIENDS don’t talk to each other? did you think i was going to keep mum if she ever asks? i treasure my friends, i wanna make sure that they would be happy, i leave the dossier there for them to make the choices.

the thing is, to your detriment, i spoke first in that convo about us, so she knows it wasn’t a retaliation. she knows i have jake, and GOD, do i love jake. so there’s no need to steal you away from her, she can have you perfectly fine, because i was over you a long long time ago.

so what else lies between retaliation and trying to steal you from her?

the truth.

so mark, you are a nice guy. you can be sweet. MONEY can be earnt. it’s called a job. not a rich wife. or a rich friend. or someone who knows rich people.

it’s called YOU. i thought we settled this money issue for you eons ago. what happened to “i am a responsible man”? it died somewhere in the last 3 years? yes i know rich and influential people, yes i am close friends with tonnes of them, sorry i don’t use their money. that’s why i am still shit poor, jobless and still struggling with my studies.

renee has her inheritance. it’s hers to call her own. not yours. not mine.

so let’s get the story straight. YOU AND I liked each other at some point in time, unless you kissed me for some weird retarded reason. you CHEATED on your ex gf and eventually chose renee over her because… she’s richer? perhaps. i can’t find an explanation for that, after all in 2 weeks of knowing each other, you guys actually wanted to marry AND got a gown. AND she has been spending 2k in the last 3 weeks just on the high living that you wanted.

and you can’t even tell her the truth about us. if you are really not into me now, or back then, you would have said at least that we kissed. and that you inititated it.

lies my friends, have a way of finding the truths themselves.

a few months ago, i had a talk with one of my closest friend. as i would have it, i rarely call back to my friends who have little to no access to the internet, not because i despise them, but because i could not really be bothered to bother them. i don’t know when they be home, when they be busy, and the list goes on.

this girl though, has always been an important part of my life, no matter the circumstances. again, perhaps it’s a flawed thinking, but my friends and i, we love each other whether we communicate or not. especially because we know one day our path would lead us perhaps very far from each other, communication wasn’t a big thing, but being true to each other is.

the talk a few months ago, was a little scary, in my opinion anyways. she was telling me about a possible marriage to her boyfriend, as it seem like a part of a natural progression in the relationship. on the one hand, it seemed it might help out her family problems a little, as they were very poor and no one who’s working wants to contribute to the family. she was supporting the family of 2 elderly parents and an older sister on her pittance of a pay. on the other hand, like i already said, it was like a natural progression to the relationship on hand.

she wasn’t feeling too sure of it at that time. she was scared, worried of being tied down and so on.

a few months on now, and she seems ok with it. the date has been set, and regardless of my plans next year, whether i like it or not, i am to go back for her wedding.

at this point, i don’t know if to feel happy for her or not, because a few years ago, i remember her being really upset at a possessive boyfriend who demanded her attention 24 7. who made her feel tied down, commited and the pressure was overwhelming, and she hated every minute of it later on in the relationship. and now, the same person, is ready to be tied down, to move on to the next level of the relationship she now has instead of partying round.

i love her deeply, and i want her to be happy, likewise she me. this period of time, she wants to fly here, to care for me if she could, hug me to sleep because i needed it, and yell at me for being all silly about myself.

and i just want to be there, talking to her about her decision, her work, the tough times, and everything else in her life.

i miss her deeply. if there’s one tough thing about being an international student, it’s leaving all the friends you’ve ever had behind to be somewhere else you have no one you know for months at a go in the entire year. calls are expensive, there’s also timezones to consider.

now she’s getting married. it seems so final, because, while divorce is an option out there legally, nobody, and i mean nobody i know, regards it as an option. i want to know if she’s really happy with her decision, that the other person is treating her well, will treat her well, and would not walk out on her.

feels strange, how the most likely of my friends to get married are still single, and the least likely to are either married or getting married. i suddenly feel so old.

and yet still not ready for that next step because i don’t know if i would be a good wife. you know, the jitters.

good luck ah ma, i will be at your wedding, like i promised