Friends. Such a simple word yet it is so hard to define in actual terms.

Come March 2010, I would have been here a good 7 years. It is not a long time, but definitely not a short time. I have had my ups and downs and I am pretty sure I never thought I would see a number such as 2010 – but I am going to soon. I have staunchly refused to admit any form of homesickness, except once ever when things went downhill and all I wanted was daddy.

Yet, I will now and then admit that I miss the friends I do have in Singapore. For all the crap I ever lived through as a teenager who claims more dramatics than I really should have, for all the feeling of lonliness I ever mentioned, I did have friends. Not many close ones, mind you, but enough for me to go home to and feel like I missed out on a big part of their lives (marriage, kids, divorce – oh yes! divorce!)

Norjit flew in on Nov 30th and took her little tour around Australia with her husband and a friend. This would be her second international trip in her currently not so old life, where else others would have marked it off as one of those things they are repetitively doing. I didn’t get to see her until today, the second last day of her trip.

I was sorely disappointed I couldn’t spent more time with her, but I have never been one for doing touristy things anyways (seriously? letting people drone on and on?) and after today, a part of me was GLAD I didn’t have any guided tours for most of my life, much less going around Australia with her on a guided tour.

I do miss her, and throughout the 4-5 hours that we were together, we gasbagged like old ladies, rushing through conversations while politely inclining our heads towards the tour operator. Very much like how we used to “perform” during school excursions.

When we finally had some free and easy time at the War Memorial, our last stop before she heads back up to Sydney, we politely walked through all the exhibits, then ran to the cafe to have a more intense conversation – for all of 30 minutes or so.

It was as if time and space did nothing, hell I even spoke to her mum on her phone. It all ended too soon though, and soon she was on her way back to the coach, up Mount Ainslie.

Despite Uni, despite all forms of formal schooling, there’s many things that formal education can’t teach. How personalities meld, how lives changes and how the air moves when despite all the changes personalities stays together… I am glad for all that I have and know.

Now, if only she had stayed long enough to meet Aileen, oh God.

will soon bring its delight”

“Nothing in the world can take the
place of persistence…Persistence and
determination alone are omnipotent.”
- Calvin Coolidge

I just ripped apart my room looking for my table organisers (UNDATED OF COURSE!! since i am so disorganised really hahaha) to help me plan my bentos, dinners, finance and groceries for the months ahead. being so far in debt to someone isn’t something i thoroughly enjoy, so I really need some solid budgeting at some point.

What was amusing was what fell out of the wardrobe that I tried to hide away: My two books worth of lists. One was a fairly thin one that I recently took out and mused over, thanks to Angel. It was written virtually the birthday before I came to Australia, aka December 2002. The other was an exercise books of sorts that’s pretty badly abused, but written quite colorfully in.

Which also had a very detailed list in it.

They were both lists of who and what I want to be, and where I would be (financially and everything else speaking).

The thin book was written when I was between junctions in my life. Where I was improving from where I was, and yet I was still a depressed and morose little self-pitying shit. I had a list of names inside it, names of people whom affected my life in the little things that they ever did. and guess what… I considered all of them acquaintances at least.

and they numbered close to 300, probably more.

My list of my purpose… in life was:

“to love myself, and to spread that love to everyone too”

“To give everyone happiness”

“to keep giving without expectations”

The 300 over names that I have written down, I have since lost contact with most, if not all of them. I will not make excuses: I didn’t bother to keep contact with everyone. I got comfortable with life, and I got comfortable with I grew into. They were not terribly insignificant people, but neither were they significant enough to me. What they did, though, was to finally shift me towards the vision I lost. They helped me lose that stupid self-pity, morose state.

But see, life is funny. the recently written list included a few lines towards, “I want to be useful to people” and then “i want to be a nurse, wtf!!”

Life is funny, and so is God. There’s a thousand and one ways to getting where you want to get, and sometimes the shortest way isn’t necessarily the right way either. in the time spanning the last 7 years, my desire to help others, to love others, still hasn’t changed – but my ideas towards socialising has shifted a continent and a half.

And finally, after all these damn 7 years, I am feeling I am taking steps towards the right direction. these are baby steps, for sure. In the 8 months since the thick grubby list was written, I went from not knowing where or how to start a nursing course, to being in an AIN traineeship and half ways through it too.

I am finally passing on the 300+ affections. /dance

Ok, mind’s clearer now. Here’s a few things I need to say though:

This blog links right straight into my facebook. I think most people who are on my facebook knows that bit. What I don’t think many realises is I am quite easy with the “confirm friends” button. If I think I know you, if I think there’s a chance you are not an immature and decidedly stupid twat, you are normally added. That is usually everyone. Every once in a while, I might be wrong, but so far, I think with 3 years? maybe more? on facebook, I have had to only delete 4 people.

I mean, it’s just bloody facebook. It’s not very private, and I am not a very private person save for a few precious things – and they won’t be mentioned much on the internet for that reason. However, facebook also means I don’t have to tolerate people that I don’t want to. why put myself in that situation when there’s plenty of assholes I HAVE to face with out there?

Again, though, not many people realises that we do have CHOICES that, again, we can choose to swing it or not. This is not a warning though, this is the reality. When friendship/acknowledgement relies on the internet to work, I can also sure as hell block you out with the internet if neither of us are really important to each other anyways.

So to all who is eventually reading this on facebook, if there ever comes a point in time that I delete you, it’s not you it’s me. I have just decided to exercise my right to not be tolerant of stupid behaviours, or we don’t even communicate much to register much on the friends radar

Besides that, some of you were friends since primary/secondary/institute/university times. Not everyone is going to get along, and definitely I was never a popular one either. I would like to think we have all matured over time and life experiences, but it might not necessarily be so. Even then, I hope we can give constructive criticism to each other should we ever communicate, and not just feel a random need to be noticed. All I can offer is Civility, and hope that you can offer that too.

Now on track with a bunch of other things that I feel a need to mention since obviously some people felt a need to bring up:

I have been in Australia since 2003. I have had more ups and downs in the last 6 years than I really had in my 21 years in Singapore. I understood more, I experienced more, I have lost friends, I have had alot of tears, and then I gain friends and families. I have experienced deaths that paralysed me, I have had experiences where I teared for being useless, and then made full use of my escapism skills to runaway from my problems.

In essence, Singapore was a testing ground and Australia is when I eventually grew up and grew into my own. THIS is home. Therefore, if I leave now, and let them make me leave, I will be losing everything that I have known and grew familiar with. Sure, I still have friends back in Singapore. But, I have more friends here than in Singapore. I have more “family” here. So, I can not go quietly into the night, without a fight.

I will not deny that I have fucked up royally though, and if there is a need to, then I will head back for 3 years, get my R.Ns, and come straight back. Because, I will be damn if anything gets me away from my home and my “babies”.

Is there a way to fix this now? definitely. I just need a shitload of money I don’t know where it is going to come from short of stripping and making a porno. or something along those lines. somewhere to the tune of 4400 to start with.

Yes, it’s a “start”.

So where did things go wrong?
1) not enough evidence of relationship
2) I had a nonchalent case officer who is, more often than not, MIA and hard to reach
3) Withdrawal of a testimonial that was one of the first/strongest testimonial of our relationship

How to fix it? So far only a few ideas:
1) Marriage (straight off into another visa, buh bye)
2) Appeals ($1400)
3) run off into the mountains and hide
4) ministerial appeal (quite far fetch and hard but)
5) Migration Agent ($3000, thus the 4400 theory)
6) Marry a kangaroo.

notice how just about any of the above options need money though. how?!?! /wrist.

ok, to be continued.