Grandma passed away on the 15th of December this year.

My mum was a real, proper busy woman then, with real reasons to be busy. So every holiday that we didn’t have a maid to look after me, I was shunted off to my grandparents’ place to be looked after. It wasn’t altogether bad, mind you, my grandparents doted on me, unlike my mother, and both of them operated those old-school mom-and pop shops that sells lollies and cream cookies in front of their rented long house/shop thing that gives me quick access to lollies and cookies beyond any kids’ imagination. My grandpa was always a little rough and gruff while my grandma might tell me off for doing things or threaten to call my mum – but I always, always get my way.

In other words, I was a real little shit who brought hell to them all in one small tiny cute package.

When I was about 5, things came to a head, sort of, that was really a catalyst for how my relatives viewed me in the future. I was reading “The Little Princess” in it’s easy to read, abbreviated version. The story where little Sarah who had a wealthy dad suddenly became a pauper and lost everything except a precious glass eyed doll that was the last present from her dad to her. The pictures in the book featured one of those traditional english dolls with, I presume, those glass eyes, porcelain and gorgeous gorgeous dresses. I pointed it out to grandpa, certain that I have seen something similar like that somewhere, and DEMANDED that I wanted it.

In the small country that that Muar was, and still is to a certain degree, there was no chance in hell back then that there was an exactly similar doll. Yet, after arguing with me mildly, grandpa went out to find that doll but came back empty handed. He CYCLED everywhere for me, and didn’t find it. Instead of being grateful that he cycled everywhere, me in my wonderful 5 years old form, kicked him in the shins – and it drew blood. One of my aunts saw and told me off but I remembered that I stomped off, screaming indignantly like I deserved some bloody apology.

In the years that followed, grandpa and I chat less and less. I am not too sure if it’s because of that or because as I was growing up, I feel less connected to my grandparents. I didn’t know how to communicate to them either, as I started feeling more and more… different.

Grandpa died when I was about 10. I cried my eyes out, wondered why he couldn’t just wait a little bit for me so I could apologise for being a dick of a 5 years old, and just wailed my hearts out. I wasn’t allowed to join the funeral procession for various reasons – I was young, I was sick and the weather sucked.

I was closer to grandpa than grandma. I still couldn’t relate to her nor communicate well with her. Yet, when I said something wrong, when my mum or my aunts tell me off, she was the one to give me a chance and defended me and protected me. Of course, if i was in the wrong, she would gently tell me off, or, if someone else is telling me off, she just hangs back quietly and let it roll. Then, when I sit there and sulk or cry, she had just tell me to let it go and move on. In a very typical fashion, I suppose, she was the soft off-set to grandpa that made them the perfect couple.

During chinese new years, there were a few occasions where I would make tang yuans with her and she had tell me more about my mum. Never pushing me to understand my mum, she spoke when I asked, but then she had also ask me how I was doing. The things that my mum never did, she did.

During a time when I was growing up real fast, she got worried that I was getting too thin, and heaped lots of food in my direction. On the converse side, she never really harassed me for putting on weight either.

In the last few years, since I have been in Australia, there was always a worry that I would never make it back for her funeral. Grandma was diagnosed with diabetes about a decade ago, and given 2 years to live. She lived way past that, including a robbery attempt while she was on a walk, and various other problems. About 5-6 years ago, she started losing a lot of weight. My grandma was only about 4 feet ish, there wasn’t already much to her and all that weight loss made her smaller and more fragile.

When I last saw her, she was more concerned about me than she was about herself. Always so giving, always so motherly. The problems I had at home, she never really dug into it like other people did.

In the intervening 5 years since, I have called her a few times. Each time, we had less and less to talk about, mostly because of my failure to use mandarin/teochew appropriately and thereby confusing her sometimes. Of course, because I called from overseas, she also tended to worry about the costs for me and also whether i was in trouble (thusly calling her). She never once pointed out she was sick – “I am just old”, was always her response.

Grandma died surrounded by those who loved and cared for her, with plenty of those dropping in in the 2 months leading up to her death. As someone who loves her and someone who understands the coldness of dying alone, that was more than I could hope for.

With the kindness of my aunts and uncle, I made it back for my grandma’s funeral, to say my final farewell. I can’t say there was no regrets, because I still did wish to be beside her when she passed on. There were a few things I wished I have done differently with my grandma. However, I also know, grandma will just tell me to forget it and move on.

With grandma’s passing, came yet another helping hand from her. It brought me to the grave that also held grandpa (complicated to explain, but I have never seen grandpa’s grave, just prayed to his ancestral tablet). It gave me a closure to my anger and grief for missing grandpa’s funeral procession, for not seeing his grave and much much more. In that instant, I was saying bye to the 2 people most important to my childhood, besides my parents. It was a more emotionally intense feeling, but it was a great release too.

There was also a realisation that time has inexorably moved forward. There’s no one to defend me anymore, but myself. I have grown up, that I knew, but then now I have no more grandparents.

 

Goodbye grandma and grandpa, thanks for showing me how to fish

I just finished my “third” day of placement. Placement is… lightly put, free labour. At the same time, it’s also free invaluable training that I just cannot highlight enough that we all need a lot more of (at times, I just feel it’s not enough). Yet, being unpaid make this difficult for many people.

Today, too, we shed a few tears for the ones who passed suddenly, for those who were terribly ill yet sought to comfort us, the caregivers.

And then, I came home to this shit:

We need to talk about nursing

Tony Delamothe, deputy editor, BMJ

tdelamothe@bmj.com

Bad nursing stories have been outnumbering good nursing stories of late, and thanks to the BBC they’ve been given wide exposure. The current run began in April on BBC’s QuestionTime (http://bbc.in/iWGf3B). In an emotional contribution, Telegraph journalist Cristina Odone reflected angrily on the insensitive nursing care received by her elderly mother during her three emergency admissions.

A few weeks later in a BBC radio programme, Independent journalist Christina Patterson discussed the lessons she’d learnt from her six operations in three hospitals over the past eight years (http://bbc.in/kUaarJ). She’d learnt that “the nurses who seemed to have time to stand around talking to each other, and didn’t seem to like their jobs very much, didn’t like to be disturbed and if you wanted to keep them happy the best thing to do was not to ask them for anything and never, ever to press your buzzer.” She couldn’t understand how nurses “could see people who were suffering and frightened and maybe even dying and seem to think they were a nuisance.”

Last week, the BBC dropped an even bigger bombshell on the Today radio programme (http://bbc.in/mgJ9D8). A woman was describing what had contributed to her mother’s death in hospital. “This rash had been caused by the way Ipswich Hospital dealt with toileting for the elderly. It wasn’t just my mother that was swathed in nappies to make life easier for the nurses—they said they didn’t have time to put elderly people on commodes—it was the general rule.”

The plural of anecdote is not data, but data of sorts are now accumulating on the sorry state of nursing in some hospitals. The Today programme coincided with the first 12 reports into care of older people by the Care Quality Commission. It makes chilling reading (doi:10.1136/bmj.d3346) and suggests that something of a pattern is emerging. The CQC’s messages are broadly in line with February’s report from the Health Service Ombudsman (BMJ 2011;342:d1064) and last year’s report into Mid Staffordshire NHS Foundation Trust (BMJ 2010;340:c1137). Richmond House, or whoever’s in charge these days, we have a problem.

The problem is not just heartless nurses or “resources,” although they’re a part of it. As Desmond O’Neill says in his book review, it is clear “that many healthcare workers have a troubling moral and professional blindness to the humanity and complex needs of older people.” The unanswered question remains “how the education, altruism, and professionalism of large groups of healthcare workers have been subverted to such a dismissive attitude to those in greatest need” (doi:10.1136/bmj.d3395).

Together, all the accounts of substandard patient care beg searching questions about the sort of NHS that’s worth saving. We can all agree it’s not the bad sort, but what are the levers that could guarantee the good sort, given that basic humanity seems to be failing?

Nigel Hawkes reports on last week’s attempt by deputy prime minister Nick Clegg to assume the mantle of saviour of the NHS, the latest in a long line (doi:10.1136/bmj.d3368). If he gets his way, the changes to the NHS and Social Care Bill will be so substantial that it will have to be sent back to MPs to be considered again. By the time that’s done, we may have lost a health secretary, and, who knows, the coalition government.

Cite this as:BMJ 2011;342:d3416

Just last week, I found myself discussing this very same issue on doc2doc forums. I am appalled that there was only 1 doctor who tried to defend the nurses while the doctors kept piling it on – “make florence nightingale proud”, “use an iPhone to remind you then”…

Here’s something I will admit to: there are many nurses out there now who will behave like doing any form of personal care is below them, I was at the beck and call of two very such nurses. TWO! However, this has nothing to do with the fact that they have a degree – it doesn’t matter if they have had a degree or not. People who behaves like that, much the same as doctors who behave like that, have got insufferable personalities. Do not fault the ownership of a degree for turning people into smuts – there are many others who have degrees who behave perfectly well thank you very much.

There are nurses who have turned jaded over the years of being abused by both ends of the stick; by the deaths that inevitably comes; by the things they have to deal with with the changes that has happened to nursing over the years; let’s not forget how understaffed and overworked everyone is in the industry, that’s enough to turn anyone disappointed. This doesn’t mean they don’t care, it means they learn to prioritise things in life. The more you flake over someone who died, someone else could be neglected while one fuss and grieve, let’s get real about this.

Sadly, some of the most disconnected from the patients are actually the doctors themselves, i.e. those bagging out the nurses in the forums. They are the ones who have to come and ask us if they have gotten a change of clothes – what’s wrong with talking to the patients themselves? The buzzers are going for various reasons: Mr So-and-so is emotionally dependent on the buzzer – the poor abandoned soul treats the nurses like his loved ones and the buzzer is the only way to get them. It’s like Munchausen, without the illness.

Miss X wants to voice her opinion about how shit the TV is. Mr K needs his soft toy, Mr V thinks the buzzer is a chew toy, Miss Y has just shat her pants and is quite capable of cleaning up, but Mrs O has wandered in and in all her wonderful dementia decided she’s a nurse and wants to help her…

It’s not that nurses don’t care. We know, roughly, what each buzzer is about. It’s the unexpected buzzers that we dash for. We are not crooning over the doctors at the table, or trying to be a wannabe doctor. We have got a genuine job that sometimes is baffling. Sometimes, everything goes out the window, and like everyone else, we forget things amidst the turmoil, the “phone” can be ignored (AS YOU ALL DO IGNORE ALL PAGES) when a patient, a colleague, a patient’s family, allied health needs a hand.

It is that nurses care too much. The ones who do their 24 hours so they can LEARN to do more in their care, whilst working at the same time, WHILE ALSO juggling family life. There’s no respite you know, there’s no bloody discount coupon that goes “Nurse: free kids that looks after themselves” or “husband/wives who picks up after their shit”. Or… those who forgot to get a life + family after being a nurse.

For every one of the doctors who always “ignore” their pages, we will find that one nose who genuinely “ignore” their buzzers. Don’t be reading too much news and actually start interacting with your nurses. Ask them why someone is in pads, is it because they are high falls risk? Ask them why a buzzer isn’t answered, is it because so-and-so is “needy”? It’s called… communication.

Then maybe, you can help us find a solution.

Having had my new phone for a week now, I thought it would be an interesting thing to round up my thoughts of it. I haven’t used it extensively to… well, for example, managed meetings and handle large amounts of files or something – I am just your average dumb phone user, I guess.

Setting Up:

When my phone first arrived, I wasn’t prepared for it, to be honest. Because of various factors – possible delayed shipping due to worldwide demand; thought my 3G worked off a Micro-Sim – I genuinely thought that my phone will arrive somewhere in November. Of course, I should have known… Apple often play safe in those situations and my phone actually arrived earlier than stated. It was, frankly, pleasant.

(that obviously didn’t stop me from refreshing TNT’s tracking page, or my account tracking page on a daily basis)

My old phone felt like it was cacking it and so, I didn’t back it up one last time, I didn’t even get a chance to activate the phone at home anyways, as I didn’t have the micro-sim. the 2nd easiest part of the whole thing, surprisingly, was getting Optus to give me a replacement micro-sim.

Then I had lunch. And I sat. And pondered. I was itching to set up my phone, see it work, play with it… but to set it up as a new phone sound like a bitch. I didn’t know what that could possibly entail. Then, Wade sent me a message, “I normally set it up as new each OS upgrade…” ok whatever, if Wade can do it, then I can. Boom, the easiest thing I ever did:

Contacts were transferred over. Calendar too. Music, not so much, but that’s bearable (until I came home to a dead seagate drive, fucker) and every app I have ever bought waiting for me to anoint it for this new phone – on the iCloud. I was hooked!

Camera:

3G was a downgrade in phone camera from my Nokia phone camera. It wasn’t a massive downgrade, in a way, but very clearly so. Therefore, when I viewed instagram over the last few months, whilst I am stupid, I kept thinking some of these <insert various insulting names> people must be cheating, downloading from their slr to their phones to hook up to instagram, etc etc, make it look all cool. I knew iPhone 4 was a camera upgrade from mine, I certainly wasn’t expecting some of the qualities of the photographs on instagram though.

And then, I got my 4s, and I was.. “oh.”

4S/Ixus 95is

Using the photos above, that day was actually an overcast day. Therefore…. actually…. 4s was the accurate depiction of my backyard where else my Ixus on Auto was over-exposed. That’s just a wide angle view though… it actually doesn’t do too bad in the darker areas either. For example, when I am having that lunch at the indian place – it took a wonderful shot of the area. Not going to show it here though.

More importantly, for me, were the Macro shots since I like to take pictures of food and of my nendos. they aren’t so macro that I need professional lenses on it. However, lately, a lot of the point and shoots left a lot to be desired. it is, as if, with the increasing prices, the also decided to dumb down their cameras. rather disappointing, really.

4s/Ixus

The level of details on both pictures looks very astounding to me (I also had a better shot that I accidentally deleted on the 4s, oops). The warmth of the pictures here shows up really strongly too.

DSLR quality is always going to overtake that quality, especially when it comes to rendering later on and so on. However, for everyday walk around, food showing off photography, this is just a little above average imo. so now, I don’t need to bring phone + ipod + camera! it’s all just the iphone! :O

Having photo stream really makes that a wonderful thing too, just quietly

However, I have also found that while the phone can take pictures well in shadowy rooms and so on, where there are shadows under, say, bushes, it gets fuzzy. Considering how good this is though, it’s not that big a problem.

 

Siri:

Siri has been nothing but a pleasure to use. yes, it’s limited right now – but in it’s limitation, we learn to work around it and find out other things that it’s useful for. Besides running my music when I am lazy, I have managed to run shopping lists by it, get it to remind me things at X time, wake me up, write emails… stuff.

It’s not something I had use extensively right now, if only because I don’t drive and don’t have a massive amounts of “reminders” and “meetings” to really do. It is, however, a great thing to have for trivia and for trying to remind myself things for groceries. you know how it is, you remember things one at a time – well, Siri is awesome for that. if you walk around with your phone often enough, and suddenly have bright ideas (like for Nanowrimo)…. things that you randomly remember (e.g. me and suddenly remembering I need eggs)

e.g. note that I have walked into this ^#$%$#%#$ car coz I keep talking to you

Siri has also got a great sense of humour. Sometimes, I wonder how much of this is “fixed”. For example, I spent a large part of my first day with Miruku asking Siri if she would bend over for me. By the end of the first 10 minutes, she kept “misunderstanding” me, spelling all my words out phonetically. it was HILARIOUS.

 

Screen:

some people mentioned a yellow tint to the screen, due to poorer quality screens or something. Some people likened it to a type of jaundice only a phone can have. Frankly, I don’t know what to think of it. Initially, I couldn’t see the tint. Then, under white lights and all, in comparison to the white sides, I finally saw the faint yellow screen colour.

It didn’t bother me one bit, and it’s not as fanatically yellow as some people claimed it was. In fact, until I see at this table, which is under the aforesaid white light, I don’t see it. Which then makes me wonder if it’s a trick of the eye due to the whiteness around me.

That said, the screen is infinitely sharper and better than previous phone. also, I find the touch sensitivity has heightened. Where sometimes it wouldn’t feel me do some actions, the phone now detects it all. And, I hate to say this, it’s actually doing a better job than my first generation ipad sometimes. (and I can say that since I keep failing in a particular game which seems to not detect some gestures) (no, I didn’t fail in that game!)

 

Speed:

This is going to sound dumb, but I have no other comparison but the 3G. When I had 3G, the Bejewelled Blitz part of it started being a pain in the arse after the first upgrade. it started logging in to facebook slower and slower… then loading the app got just as bad. At times, I had finish taking a shower, and it’s still bloody trying to log in. I have figured out Popcap can’t program that stupid games, even though it’s quite addictive.

but seriously? few updates and shitty loading times? geez.

So, one of my own benchmarks was to use bejewelled. and god, it feels awesome to see it whizz past the loading screen. App is still a whore, but that is an entirely different issue.

Even internet on it seemed faster, albeit Optus still thinks my house is a blind spot. Safari loads up crazy quick, instagram popular pictures zips up… and the feeds…. wow!

Battery life:

now, I have heard about the battery issues prior to actually receiving the unit. I wasn’t concerned because, well, law of averages states that there will always be a few fuck ups. the first few days, I had no issues with regards to the battery. In fact, I managed to drain the shit out of it, and it still took about 8 hours before I *personally felt* I needed to charge it (something like 5%). this was inclusive of about 2 hours worth of music playing while playing scribblenauts, on silent mode with vibration on then chatting to a mate via texting for nearly 6 hours with all that vibration going crazy… more games in between… downloading new apps… reading emails.

It didn’t really see flat, I chose to charge it.

Then, one night, I went to bed charging my ipad because the phone was at 100%. 7 hours later, I woke up, and it was flat.

no idea why, randomly, just flat.

It hasn’t happened ever since, but that was just really odd.

 

One more thing

Right side of the phone… it heats up crazily. I am not sure why. a search on google and reading through articles claim that it is the antenna. however, seeing how the antenna is now 2 sided, I don’t know why it’s such a specific spot. infact, it feels like it’s the A5 chip that’s heating up. It gets real warm, like how the gfx card does after a few hours of hardcore gaming… except this can happen in, say, 15 minutes of heavy use (like when I was first setting it up).

I am not quite sure what to make of that other than to hope it’s not a faulty set. I am not so keen to return to Apple store to ask at this point, it doesn’t show up often enough. However, I know enough about overheating to wonder how it will affect the hardware.