crawling some days

I think I said I was going to break up my comiket experience over a few posts. Life got busy – and I supposed that’s a good thing. There’s a lot on my mind now, and instead of sharing it on Facebook, I will talk about it here.

When dad passed away 3 years ago, I sent my sister to be officially diagnosed. It was not to confirm or deny what I thought I knew, nor was it to categorise her. Rather, my sister needs a lot of professional help that was going to be hard to get without a diagnosis. I was rather glad it happened as it paved the way to many things.

At the same time, several things remained the same: My mum’s influence, the stigma against autism, the lack of enough support in Singapore for my sister and my terrible temper. Perhaps I am used to it by now, I just don’t seem to have the patience for my sister at times. And right after being angry, I would also feel guilty. I mean, why am I so angry at someone who have difficulty recognising the issue at hand?

“I am a little concerned.”

“why?”

“coz x has grown long hair now but is unable to talk.”

I talk with my sister somewhat regularly, usually over Facebook messenger or Line. Discussions on the phone or over skype were often difficult, as she finds it hard to verbalise what she wants to say, and she has a strange anxiety about conversations. I am not quite sure what it is, but I feel that she is worried about getting the right answers to regular questions, like “how’s your day”, or anxious to answer you quickly. Over text messages though, the problems isn’t as prominent. she takes her time to say things, and I would correct her language as she goes along – though often she is upset by how bad her English is.

However, what is also interesting is her lack of, what we all took for granted and what we all think is “common sense”. I believe my mother started this, often making up answers for things that she could not explain with her minimal education. This allowed my sister to make up and believe little assumptions that she has not sought to prove otherwise. So, often, I see things from her point of view – which is, at times, all skewered, crazy and colourful. Like the above exchange – She presumed that babies would start talking once their hair has grown long – but that’s no real correlation between the two.

Where it comes to caring for her though, I sometimes find myself stressing over everything. I feel stumped. I feel like I am looking after a child, and I worry about making bad decisions for her. There’s no dad to talk to and consult, no comparisons to others (Since autism spectrum defers from person to person, case to case) that I can gauge myself by. I tried to gauge how she is doing by her level of happiness a few times, yet how do I know the “right steps” if she is sad too?

Whenever I leave the country, my sister is often the last person I see. I would watch her back slowly disappear into the sea of people, and often my heart breaks a little to see her cut a lonely figure in a country of millions. She has few friends, does not know how to socialise, make and maintain friends. Despite putting her through classes, sending her to therapies, asking her to go to church and her work place, the bonds she made were not strong, not lasting and still left her wanting for more.

“I feel so alone and stressed.”

In recent days, she was asked to leave her place of work. On the one hand, she’s glad to be leaving. On the other hand, she feels like a terrible person. She feels all she does is make a mess of her life and she doesn’t know how to fix it. She has had a few meltdowns in the last few weeks and no one can understand how she feels. I am pretty sure I further compound it too.

I wish that there is a place for her, where she doesn’t have to feel sad and lonely, but I am still looking.

it’s been quiet here

i haven’t written for a very long time. being busy does that to you, but so does many other things. I am glad for this space I have, the ability to express myself when i feel like it. it’s not going away, but my postings will be as sporadic as time would allow.

I am going away for my annual trip soon. this will mark the final time that i have to fulfil this particular obligation ritual wise. Nevertheless, I have also found this time away from life a very uplifting thing, even if i dislike many aspects of it. I will definitely continue to do this annually, although, perhaps, i will do shift it to a more convenient time of the year where I will have more time to visit people and enjoy local foods AND not worry about the extreme change in weather.

what hasn’t changed, though, is me missing dad. I am not surprised, to say the least, but sometimes there’s an awful, hollow feeling inside me and, recently, such days overwhelm me. I am more surprised by the intensity of it, perhaps like a delayed effect. I have taken to planning my days in a “professional” way. While I hate to manage people on a schedule, for now I will handle myself like that so I am doing things, keeping busy, keeping my footsteps forward.

Mum has been excluding me from all ritualistic activities, so I am not hopeful that she will even bother to do anything again this year. For someone who was so insistent on following all these rituals down to a T, down to particular dates so I technically miss out, mum has definitely not been following the rituals either. As usual, the stupid hypocrite. but this is my time with dad, so whether rituals are followed or not, i am still going to see him to “chat” with him.

I have been keeping busy otherwise, completely filled myself up with fun things to do, and some not so fun things. I am looking forward to the next 12 months :)

The last few months in a nutshell

Woah. It’s been about 8 months since I last posted. Oops. Life took over. It’s been fun, the ups and downs and the in between. Suddenly, we are midway through October and I am sort of staring at Christmas in the face. There will be better pictures and more detailed look at some stuff later on, but for now just a quick update.

Semester 1:
Sort of disastrous. I was very sick for most of the semester and had troubles keeping up with uni work. Frankly, home was a better zone. During these months, I didn’t do much besides work a lot, recuperating and then attempting to catch up with uni work.

Annual home visits:
Went home for about 10 days. Best days really. It was fun seeing family and friends again, although it felt rushed and some days I really didn’t want to go out at all.

A visit to dad’s niche reveals that time doesn’t really change anything or make things better. I can function really well, but there’s still a piece of me that’s missing and I can’t mend that.

Sis has graduated from her diploma in animation from Mages (yay!), I am so so proud of her! Her portfolio is small though and job hunt is, as any job hunt is in Singapore these days, difficult at best.

During the last few months though, she has discovered how to make amigurumi and is rather good at it. She has been selling to friends and such, but I might set up some sort of shop for her to do this a little more dedicatedly with. At the same time, I don’t want to stress her out, so this is currently in the works.

Personal projects
I have listed a few things to accomplish this year for myself. One of them was working through the recipe books I have got. Some of the outcomes looks, at best, like vomit or a pot of bracken water. But they are really nice lol! I am still trying to make the perfect fried chicken – but it’s been frustratingly bad so far. If you’re wondering why I am having so much troubles, it’s more because I want to combine a thousand flavours into that one chicken D:

The other was reading more books. Sadly, I haven’t done much in that direction, although I am getting started on a second run through with the Black Magician trilogy by Trudi Canavan. There’s been a new book since I last read the series, in it’s sequel series, so I thought its time to go through it again. Also need to re-read the southern vampire series.

Bought a number of Japanese books when I was in Osaka, and then more when I got back (mostly historical manga). Been trying to waddle through them, but I am easily distracted. Have touched some, but only a few pages each.

I was attempting to finish my ps3 games last year before the ps4 came out. Didn’t quite happen. Attempted to finish at least 5 from my pile of shame this year, only made it 3/4 through one. So terrible!

Enrolled myself in jlpt n3. As the date draws closer, I am starting to feel inept.

Anime:

This has been a good year! SÃO, log horizon both on season twos!

I watched a lot this year and a number of what I liked surprised me. First started on old school gundam. That was nice in small doses. Then
Log horizon
No game no life
Gintama
Akame ga kill
Sailormoon (old ones lol)
I have no friends
Strike the blood
Free season 1 and 2
Black bullet
Aldnoah zero
The world god only knows 1-3 (re watched the first two to remember where I was lol)
Dramatical murder
Brynhildr in the darkness
Hakkenden
Hunter x hunter.

I really got into hxh hardcore. Happened to see someone watching it on the bus in osaka, thought it looked interesting then bam, got suckered into it.

Smash 2014

Went to smash for both days! It was great! And tried ippudo for the first time! Love them pork buns! Will definitely talk about this more later

Kabuki 2014

Yet another post will be up soon about this. We did Sukeroku this year and it’s been a blast. We were asked to perform at the National Gallery (omg such recognition) and so we had 2 weekends of performance instead of one. Did a lot of cooking this year, way more than last year.

P.S Kat suited the role to a T.

Destiny the game


So one night, I was flipping through flipboard. Saw a video before destiny’s release where a guy was going trigger happy. It looked so fun, I bought it on release.

I don’t think I saw the sun much after that.