i love thee…!

it’s been a flurry of action around this house lately. what with the serve of notice, we tried to get our gears in action and started hunting down houses. with our combined annual pay, we are somewhere up in the 100k mark per annum (which btw, honestly, is slightly less than average far as i can poll in this damn city).

With that bunch of papers in my armpits, consisting of my payslips and referrals, i could easily rent a place in town for up to 450 per week, hands down. hell, considering how i am earning 3 times as much as i did 2 years ago, i can probably rent for more and still survive and scrape past.

The problem is, the rental market won’t agree. and obviously, if i was also them, i probably had disagree too. Jobs like mine aren’t permanent and have fickle players. Considering the week past, i am dead certain of that even more. So with that in mind, i faced my first denial of application today.

i was just a little bit stumped, to be honest. despite the “great” view and location, the area in question ISN’T worth 450 (what the person counter offered the landlord, versus the intended 370p/wk on the papers) a week - it’s about 15 mins away from town, and approximately 30 minutes in the morning jam. the other places though, are pretty worth it. so hopefully something calls back in the next 2 days, because i am starting to panic. and a panicky Panda bodes no good. not that i will stop viewing houses, but there are less and less properties within budget and areas we can afford, and more and more inflated rental rates for the most absurd reasons.

the house has gone from some what neat in 3 months ago, to spewed out 2 months ago, to getting into boxes. unfortunately, i am one of those stupid anal arse people who likes to mess things up so “i can see what i am doing” and this is the case right now. The other unfortunate effect is, i now no longer feel like being friends with a particular person.

the thing wasn’t about her complaining to people about how shitty my home was, it was her point being “so glad i only have 5 days left here!” and that pretty much i wasn’t giving her time alone. considering how most conversations started with her proclaiming one problem or another, and how i sat down and try and offer suggestions and solutions, i am pretty bummed by it all. So, honest to God, i really don’t see how i became so terrible to live with (which seems to be the aura emitting from those paragraphs). if we were to talk about cleanliness though, she lived with me in my previous home too - which was neat while she was there. so, it baffles me that she can’t see that she came at an extremely trying time (in terms of packing yet trying to make the place look liveable).

The day that i found that out though, i decidedly let myself zoomed into nothingness. Things got to me twice as much, and i got pretty sensitive and reading too much between lines. I finally snapped when my boss’s best friend told me that i could walk out the door if i didn’t like him being rude to me, which was twice in a space of 7 days, and so i “kindly”  reminded him that he was about as respectful as a rock, and walked it.

and then i bawled like the nut that i am and called up dad.

Oh dad. my pillar of strength. It’s funny. I was walking out of work, about to tear but willing myself not to. It was a shitty day in all, and i can kind of understand why J snapped at me, “if you demand respect, you should give respect”. unfortunately, of the whole restaurant, there’s no one else i respected more than J, boss, head chef and Gracie so pardon me if i believe i have already handed out respect on a platter. In my head, all i could think of was, “geez, am i not wanted or what?” and infront of me loomed H’s work place - where i would used to go to when i need to bitch about work.

Suddenly, i felt like i couldn’t tell her anything anymore, since i might be “not giving her the down time that she needs”. I can’t “go home”, because it’s not mine. I can’t talk with my “best friend”, because she really isn’t. And since i walked out of my job, i don’t even have that income - i felt so alone. So, of the only 2 people i had in mind to talk to, neither of them were HERE for me to grab and hug.

And then i cried all the way home on a cab, because i felt so alone. the poor cabbie, i think he was totally not prepared for that.

and i called dad. and i bawled like a baby, trying to understand wtf is going on. and for all his wisdom and age, he still sound sad that i was bawling like a baby over the same thing i bawled over exactly 10 years ago - my job, my useless friends and having to move out of our then home. Ah, sometimes, time just don’t change anything.

and as for the other person i wanted to call? bless his soul, he was fast asleep way out in the U.S.A. and didn’t have to listen to my wailing rambling.