it’s been a while since i am properly relaxed. the last few nights, combined with illness, have been nothing but restless 4 hour sleeps each. i don’t even know a good reason why i should be that affected.

i AM thoroughly stressed out by the essays, by the impending exams. i am really not looking forward to seeing my results this semester.

as i woke up this morning, i walked hazily towards the bathroom and sat to relief myself, just feeling incredulous that i was even awake at 6 a.m. what is happening to me, i wondered. i am not a morning person, and am definitely not one who can survive 4 hours sleeps. but here i am, without a single nap for the last few weeks, and yet going through the night’s sleep like it’s worthless.

there, on my “think pot” i started considering my options again. these days, i have been seriously wondering if i am up for this political degree after all. sure, i have spent 5 years trying to complete it. hell, i have been mocked, told off, consoled, and then ignored while trying to wad my way through it. but despite the time spent, despite the years, my love for the subject has not grown stronger nor has my knowledge been vastly increased – or perhaps i was expecting too much.

instead, i realised i have grown more in despair of the state that we have allowed the world to become. there isn’t one day now, that hasn’t gone past, that i haven’t wondered – what if i just die now, and “restart” my whole life? it wouldn’t be perfect, life’s not meant to be. but perhaps i could have chosen a different, perhaps less of struggle type of path.

all that, with the hope that i don’t have to drink the “soup of forgetfulness” should i walk the bridge to reincarnation. otherwise, all lessons learnt this life would have been lost.

it’s a tempting though, i would say, to just jump out now, and leap into the arms of final escapism.