you’ve got to find what you love: the rest of me

Steve Jobs gave a really inspiring commencement speech at Stanford way back in 2005. i can’t tell you how many times i wept over the speech, not because it was such a tearjerker filled with “oh sympathize with my life” bullshit that some people do, but because he was so right.

I won’t say i was ever close to death. i have seen my dead grandfather’s body and coffin before, and i did lose a few relatives and friends over the years. but the closest i got to death, was me kneeling naked in the shower, weeping with the raindrops of water, and sadly crushing 150 panadols in a plastic bag. i was trying so hard to die, but i wasn’t sure 150 was enough. i wanted to be sure i won’t ever come back.

but see, nowadays, i ask myself, if i am to kill myself now, would i be happy with what i have done so far? or even today? would i go with no regrets?

many times, i would say, i think i have done enough. but i know, i haven’t. i want so much more, to do so much more. i am still scared of heights, i still haven’t written my first fiction novel, i haven’t gotten my drivers’ license yet… but i don’t want that, i want to be able to fly.

many times now, i have gone through a whole week, wishing and hoping, and waiting, for holidays to arrive because i am starting to dread classes now, for various reasons. so what do i want to do in life? what do i want out of life?

here’s my terribly short and incomplete list:

1) learn to fly a plane

2) sky dive one more time, just for the kicks

3) write a goddamn story

4) rollerblade around the neighbourhood a few times, preferably screaming my head off

5) learn a language, and swear at a tourist in it. wait, let’s make that 3 languages

6) start my own charity drive for kids somewhere out there in a “third world” country.

7) volunteer to teach something to kids somewhere

own the biggest fucking teddy bear alive, even if it’s for 5 minutes

9) walk around confidently in a bikini

10) surf!!! and snowboard, since they are almost the same, the form 1 item.

11) give hugs to everyone

12) forgive everyone i have ever hated, because hate and anger are such strong emotions that can destroy many things

13) stop getting angry so much, stop hating so much!!

i tried to get this going yesterday, and it didn’t go so well. there are some things you can’t turn back the clock for, and i think i might be too late for 12 now…. because someone might have been gone way beyond where i can reach her.

but! i am going to do something everyday, something that i at least if i die tomorrow, next hour, i know i have attempted something gorgeous… woohoo…. flying lessons in Canberra?