going back to basics
i won’t lie to you. i think the total amount of stress and strain on me emotionally, from the visa, to work and then dad’s health made me stop thinking about school for a while. For a very long while. true, i attended classes, however i think i tune out more than half the time because i was just so tired emotionally i don’t know what else i can do. suddenly, school became a place to relax in and work is a source of dread a stress.
it really shouldn’t be like that eh?
There were days when i horribly wish i can just give up everything and just work for a few years before i start studying all over again. i am so damn tired.
and now suddenly assignments are upon me again. and then i am reading about howard, whitlam and fraser. it makes me wonder about many things all over again - all not good.
i need to snap out of this victim mode. shit.
so… the list of stuff to do this week:
- catch up on readings.
- finish the due assignments.
- refresh katakana and hiragana…. and start on kanji.
- Send out new resumes to find a BETTER job.
- go rollerblade, take photographs or something to relax.
- Eat more lollies.
hehe… lollies relax you know :p
on a side note, fudge’s a little less shy. he’s still flighty to a certain extent, but his curiosity overwhelms his sense of fear. he had sniff around my monitor, around the floor boards… bask in the sun. Thanks to a wikipedia and some relevant websites on bunnies, i figured out when he’s scared, upset or just plain dislike me.
p.s the chick beside me just farted. it stinks so bad. -.-
so anyways… more and more often, i find him getting ready for a head-rub from me whenever i get home or just woke up. in semi darkness i had see him all up and still sniffing in the air and his eyes glittering in the dark. the moment the kitchen lights turn on, he’s all crouched, and looking at me, waiting for his usual head-rubs.
how sweet. <3
and finally… something sad i just discovered. i was about to talk about something else… but i think this sadness precedes my anger for something else.
News on Sydney morning herald:
According the SMH, a couple of kids in Melbourne went out and hung themselves. In her grief, the mum asks…
“Stephanie, why didn’t you tell me you were so upset? Why didn’t you just come home?”
“You had only just turned 16. You were always such a quiet girl who spent time listening to music and surfing the internet.
“There is nothing that couldn’t have been sorted out. You were my only child and can never be replaced. Bye bye my little girl.”
i can not replace her little girl, nor can i give the full reasons why. but i can tell you many reasons behind a person’s suicide. in the short time frame after being hurt, and in teenage hood, i, at least, could never seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For me, as an asian and despite being a christian at heart, i always thought if i could just start over again, it will be different this time.
There are many things we can never tell our parents, and some stuff are too emotionally charged for us to hold in. even now, there are times i still feel the heavy burden of life on me. and at time i want to give up, give in, “you win, life. i shall just embrace death” were my thoughts.
and at 16, parents sometimes seems too out of touch with everyone else in the society we live in. They are sometimes the very source of pain, humiliation and loss. sometimes friends aren’t friends, or willing to be friends. Sometimes, school is against you - and we are not talking about just the teachers and exams.
ant at every age… we just all want to be free.
it takes a lot of courage to face death, and while this is all so wrong on many levels, i hope that Steph and jodie have found the freedom they so desire.
R.I.P girls.
