and i kept on moving…

sorry, i have been busy trying to adapt myself to this place that i once called home. everything is so different here now. it’s a wonderful place, but on the other hand, it’s no longer so “me” anymore. not that it ever was, but it’s probably even further on ahead now than it previously was.

 

i went down to the embassy again on friday to try and perhaps lodge the application in before the weekend arrives, so i can at least have half the weekend spent at peace with myself that i have finally lodged my application in.

 

when i was first told to come home, all i was told was that all i had to do was 1) talk to the person in charge here, and 2) fill in the application. because, apparently, they had the rest of my details on file. so fine, i arrived on friday, with everything filled up, and this time with the letter that the high commission told me i had to write as well.

 

“but… you still need a NEW CoE!!!” said the person at the counter, the same rude, un-attentive person. he wasn’t listening to me on monday, and he certainly was not listening to me on friday. he commented, somewhere after that statement, that i was “excluded from the country” - which was correct - and proceeded to ask me if i had a letter from them (the country) that i have been excluded. this baffled me - WHY WOULD THEY WRITE ME A LETTER?!?!

 

then it hit me: he decided that since my visa expired - it must have meant i got excluded from uni!!! “why would i get a letter from them? i breach a visa requirement, it is JUST and RIGHT that i should leave the country - not be given a letter to prove that i have been excluded?!”

 

MAN! WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME!?!?

 

i finally got exasperated, and insisted he just take whatever i had on hand and DO something with it. i was just so sick of him. why, oh why, do i have to get him both times i go there?!?! why couldn’t the ticket had landed on some other personnel instead?

 

then, the other woman i spoke to on monday finally explained to me, they need a new CoE because trying to get my present CoE through the whole thing would be the equivalent of trying to force a doctor to write a backdated medical certificate - the computer will not allow it.

 

for fuck’s sake. tell me what i need all at the same time. i want to go home. I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

 

i was scared, i was about to cry. everything is just… it’s just seems to be going wrong. i think she saw my face, and she waved my letter of appeal at me, “everything hinges on this letter, ok?” what am i supposed to write? a year and a half ago, i wrote a letter of appeal too, and i failed. i failed so miserably begging people for a chance at educating myself, how the fuck am i supposed to beg people to understand how it feels to be at this juncture?

 

that i just.. want to go back to where i belong?

 

i walked out into the rain, and just went home, a little dejected, a little depressed. all i want was to have a slightly stressless weekend. i woke up the next morning, and just decided to attend the evening mass.

 

i have never pretended to be a spiritual person, but i have always loved God, no matter how little my display of love for him is. i was just a little more than desperate, and i didn’t know who else to turn to that could understand me more than Him.

 

and i reached there, barely making it, since i didn’t know the time of the mass. i went in there, and they were reading… Corinthians. “love is gentle, love is kind.” heh. i don’t believe in coincidences, especially not in churches. as it rode along, i realise i wasn’t so much there to beg, as to realise that i should just trust everything in God. That whatever the outcome is, it was for the best.

 

i have to believe in Him, for He love me so much, why would he let me be unhappy?

 

but as it wore on, memories started surfacing. while i was converting, there were so many people who loved me, but whom i have always let down. there were the 2 people who loved me so much they wanted to be my God parents for the baptism, and for one, i was literally the daughter she never had.

 

and i had let them down in many areas i don’t even know where to begin.

 

i didn’t know if they had ever forgive me, or if they even want to see me.

 

i started plotting a way to see them after church, since i was also intending to visit norjit. but when church ended, when i lifted my head up from my prayers… i saw the almost everyone that i totally missed out in my self absorption, the people that i let down the most.

 

as i walked towards them, the tears came quick and fast, i was also scared they would reject me. every thought and worries about my visas went out of my head, because these are the people i do care for, but was also even more careless about than my visa expiry date.

 

but when they saw me, all i could see was a surprised look, and then eyes that shoned with gladness, loving smiles and voices, and big hugs. very very big hugs.

 

“welcome home cheryl, we missed you.”

 

and i missed you too.

 

i miss you too….