a new leaf

i did absoutlutely nothing productive today, or properly constructive anyways.

a few hours of lineage 2, a few hours of reading, a few hours of cooking and cleaning and throwing trash.. (ok maybe that’s constructive in a sense) and that was really about it.

for the last few days, a tummy ache would wake me up between 7-10 am, and i don’t know what’s that about. i know i have a weak stomach, and it gives me hell every so often (aside from the monthly cramps, i have weekly upheavals) and pisses me off. and today, there was no exception.

tomorrow though, is a big day, and try as i might, i can’t keep it out of my head.

it’s the orientation at my new school, and i don’t know what to make of it. to start right at the bottom again pissed me off, although it’s no one’s fault but mine to blame. the fact remains, i will be amongst people younger than me, yet again, and this time by quite a number of year, instead of just 2-3 years at most as before.

ashamed? a little. but i am more pissy because with every batch, there’s going to be a bitchy few, and as i grew older, i am leaning towards a quiter environment. the past few years of college living showed me that each year though, as the new batch comes in, i have to face noisier and noisier “next generation”.

i don’t know if i can actually handle all that, plus the bitchy few people and so on.

the other irrational fear also derives from the fact i am no longer going to a familiar place. it’s new, it’s unexpected, well kinda, and i am not so sure about all that. i will try to fit in though. i have to, otherwise everything’s going to fuck up again.

to me, the next two weeks means a whole lot. it means a new beginning that possibly might have no end. or it could end as abruptly as my last experience, with worse off results. i can’t fuck up this time, because i have no more next time.

come february though, i would have even more decisions to make base on the outcome of the next couple of weeks. linxy has told me he might move back to sydney to complete his education, as it is cheaper. from the sounds of it, most of it has already been decided and planned already, just a matter of time and this rent ending and so on.

although it had been a very bad year, with him and with everything else, i would really hate to see him go. then again, i hate departures. fucking emo kid. i guess i could kind of understand though, because no matter how hard he tried, he hasn’t managed to save much money this year, and might not be able to come up with bond money and etc next year, not to mention the high rental rates anyways.

with that, it means i might have to move back on to campus, albeit in a new campus, unless i suddenly find another housemate to stay with. even so, the time my lease ends is an odd time of the year, slightly before everyone comes back.

girls… if u r interested… *looks hopeful* call me… ^_^ we can find one in the same estate/neighbourhood and perhaps cheaper, i don’t know. i can’t survive paying abt 190 a week anyways, i think. there are cheaper out there and we can hunt around closer to that time.

of course, i can choose alternatives… i know kingston has a studio on rent and so on. my only concern is coz i just got a job in civic, and if i suddenly move now, i don’t want to wait another 3 years for a new job.

eugh.

new plans, new places, new decisions..

damn. i hate to use my brains.