Money and the last day of noobness

i went to work today, feeling all shit coz i kept on calculating what’s meant to be in my bank, and i knew i am short still by about 1-200 or so. i didn’t want to call dad coz i know he’s broke. i didn’t know what to do other than drag on rent for another week or so or just a few more days.

but landlady has made the rent such that it pays off her bills. so i can’t afford to make someone else pays for the mistakes i make in judgement, in lending money, in trusting people to pay me back. and no, it’s not just purely linxy, there’s that ass of a william.

just to double check on my balance and calculation, i went to the atm prior to work. prior to this, i had about 4.2 k or so, just barely enough and needed abt 200 more to pay school fees. then i have 1.1k cash plus waiting on linxy to repay me back money so that i can afford rent.

then i would be broke for a week.

i opened my account to find a wooping 5.9k. i was stunned.

i don’t know where it came from. i called my dad. he said he didn’t send shit.

even now, using the net bank, things didn’t quite tally up. even after linxy paid me, there’s an unexplained 800.

i walked to work in the rain, getting all emo and tearing. i didn’t know what to do, whether if it’s my money or not. i didn’t want to have the false hopes, but i didn’t know where the money came from and if it was legal or a mistake.

it was after hours by then, and no one i can ask. the system doesn’t fully update till monday. till then, i would know where my mystery 800 came from. and i am still… in the middle of hopeful, grateful and sad that i have hit this stage where i go emo coz there’s fucking money in my bank.

when i reached work, i didn’t know how i could stand it. i didn’t know if i could work it. i contemplated getting the night off, because i was just standing there trying not to tear even more.

i guess, i don’t understand. how did i spent 5k on someone, and instead of keeping to his promises he just ran away and then later comes back to threaten my life for a mistake that he has done? how is it that people think it’s ok for others to empthasize with their situation but they refuse to do the same back?

infact, how is it also ok, that i lend someone money, and they can’t be bothered if i was financially ok?

it baffles, it hurts and i just couldn’t comprehend it. and in that few moments before work well and truly start, that was all that was going thru my head. “is it all going to be ok now? is it not a joke? is it not a bank error? dear God, don’t do this to me, there’s only so much i can take. 24 years now, it’s been almost 24 years now. and all i have been getting is shit after shit after shit.”

10 years old. that was the first time i started contemplating suicide. 10 years old, when my grandpa passed away, and i felt so sorry that the last thing i did to him was to kick him and yelled at him for not buying me a doll when i was 5 years old.

in that 5 years, i have never told him how i was sorry. in that 5 years, all i did was stayed in singapore and completely avoid him coz i was too egoistic to say sorry. and then he passed on. i clung on to the coffin, with chickenpox all across me, weeping and refusing to let go. i don’t know what to do. i still wanted to say sorry, but fuck, everything was too late.

too little. too late.

there are ups and downs in my life, and much as everyone like to think they tonnes of downs, i have my “tonnes of downs”. from being a failure at primary school, to being raped at 17 by my own boyfriend, to being kicked from uni, to trying to come to grasps with how to handle the unavoidable leaving of Australia.

as i walked around today, on my last day of being a noob at work, i still got emo, but kept to myself. for now, the financial bits seems solved. hell, i even have a little left over, enough to enjoy life. i walked around this restaurant thinking, “God, i don’t want to leave this place, but if i have to, i will. but i will cry. oh God, i will cry.”

from the laughing babies, to the understanding customers, to telling customers i am a mail order bride (lmao.. that expression from them was priceless), the memories of these i am not going to lose. i am not going to leave now, but when it arrives…

i will cry.

and be thankful that i had this experience.

fucking emo day.