A letter to God

Dear Lord,

My family’s buddhist. in the generations before them, they were also buddhists. staunch or otherwise, i am not quite sure. as far as dad’s concerned, he has always and will always be, buddhist. he’s the staunchest buddhist in my world, and the world’s most patriotic chinese, just totally borned in the wrong country. my mum though, prays to whatever gives her money.

so it was that i was brought up in that kind of environment, praying to buddha, goddess of mercy, and what have you, till my parents enrolled me in an anglican kindergarten. even then, through out my entire childhood, i was never released from the superstitious stuff that my parents had put me through. they were not well educated, but that has always been a blessing.

with all those superstitions came imaginations of the wild kind. i used to be afraid of ghosts, of pixies, of elves, of the “little people” (xiao ren), of the guardians of hell and what have you. mix in with all these were the beliefs i took in from anglican church.

But Lord, between buddhism and Christianity, i chose you for some odd reason that i am still not quite sure of sometimes. Deep in me, o Lord, you have always seem more real to me than buddha and Goddess of Mercy.

My beliefs nurtured from young doesn’t give room for scientific reasonings. science to me though, seems to make you more real from whatever i look at it. So, i have always belief in fate and the Divine reason and the Divine hand in almost every single thing i do. from the choices laid out to me, to the lessons i learn from each choice i make, i have always believed that you were there.

Fate tonight, O Lord of mine, was your divine hand in guiding me, from the choice i made.

i haven’t been attending church regularly either since 2 years ago. since those things messed up my life and i didn’t know what to do. i made confessions, i go a few times and then i stayed home.

how do i face you, Lord, when i felt someone died when i could have stopped it? how do i face you, when i have flunk on my choices?

and of course, laziness…

tonight, i took a walk.

i gave myself no directions than to go somewhere i havent been to before in this neighbourhood. it was night and it was dark. along the canal i walk, and the empty dirt track behind, with my ipod stuffed into my ears while the path just got darker and darker.

then the path opened up to the main road. and there, i saw Your House.

People say there are no such things as fate, and that subconciously, i might have been the one who wanted to go there after all. People would say, i would have known where i was going in the dark, especially my dad, after all, i have a good sense of direction, at least to my dad.

to be honest, i had no idea where i was going. in the dark and from very vague memories, the road curves out and as far as i am concerned, the road goes all the way out to northbourne. but you know what God? it’s funny how the memories work.

while my home is about 10 minutes or 15 minutes from the church if i had gone by the front, it’s approx 6 minutes from the back, because i was just listening to 1 and a half song when i found your house.

I am sorry i have been missing church. i know i am silly. i know u are VERY disappointed.

i am going church tomorrow morning and making a confession. and then i am just going to sit there for a long while, just chatting with you.

Forgive me, O Lord for i have sin, i have sin against you and my brothers and sisters.

but i will change. and i think, that’s more important than what i can’t erase in the past.

i love you.

Amen.