passing time

still waiting on some jobs to call me back, while i am still searching for others. also calling some back to find out how my application progress went. i so need a job, otherwise i am screwed.

a few days ago, someone random i was talking to mentioned this to me after we discussed what happened in detail:

“the wise knows when to stop.”

for a few days after that, i was just in a state of limbo again. not sure what to do, whether what i am doing is right. people ask me why am i fighting so hard to stay on, why am i fighting so hard to stay in anu or australia for that matter.

i can never find a coherent answer.

while trying to cook some stuff the day after he mentioned that to me, i wondered to myself, “a stranger offering advice, and it was ‘the wise knows when to stop’. am i doing something wrong here?”

admittedly he pointed out somethings that was fairly true. i had 3 years to prove my worth, chase my dreams. 3 years to do what i purportedly set out to do, and yet it seems that i have not only taken everything for granted, i have also blew it off, way out of proportion. should i stop now and face up to my faults?

i had a talk with a friend during sheetle’s birthday. she was someone i looked up to despite being younger than me. she’s way mature beyond her years, way smarter, way more hard working. when i first met her, i yearned to be like her, because she was so… focused. at the same time, i didn’t want to be like her, because i don’t want to be a burn out.

she said i depressed her.

it wasn’t meant to be insulting or curt, but something sad. she couldn’t understand how someone like me could let depression overcome me enough to just shut the entire world out. she didn’t know what happened but she didn’t want to know because it had made her sad enough already to see me in that state.

so i told her about that statement, almost in tears, because i didn’t know if what i am doing is right anymore.

is it right to fight so hard still? to want to fulfill at least a part of my dreams while i still can, to do what i still love despite wasting a good 3 years already? is it even ok? my conscience weighs me down. i have already exploded my parents’ accounts, and i know i can’t do anything wrong between now and july next year at least.

but is it still ok to try and fight on? what am i fighting for?

on the surface, to all these answers, i can only say “i don’t know.” i can only say, i can’t go home to disappoint my parents, to angry parents, to more beatings, more tears, more pain. i am still recovering, and i don’t know when i can be out of the abyss, and whether i can be out in one piece.

i always tell people, if you want to do it, you can do it. i’ve always tried to live by that belief, but time and time again i have failed. it’s always great to be a victim, coz you get sympathies and attention. however, at the end of the day, i would still be alone and only i can get myself out of this hellhole.

do i want to get out of this abyss though? yes. what kind of help would i seek? not games. no longer games.

the past 3 years of running away when i have problems, it didn’t help. in the end, it made a mountain out of a molehill. and everything was what i “thought it up to be”, because in the end, problems either solved themselves or i can’t do anything about it anyways. running away wouldn’t bring jay to life. it wouldn’t bring back the 5k idiot ex owes me. it can’t change the fact that i have lost 3 years of my life, because i chose to in all my reactions.

so what am i fighting for?

my sanity.

in that immediate week after i learnt about my exclusion from uni, i swung all directions. i went from fear, to being in a limbo, from trying to be happy infront of people i don’t know, to trying to explain situations that happened eons ago to strangers, all that without trying to cry. i went from lying feverishly in bed, thinking of ways and dates to die, to searching out locations to die in.

i called norjit simply out of fear. i don’t wana die. but i wana die. it seemed like the simplest way out. the coward’s way out. the final form of escapism.

google. it’s an excellent engine. in my search for suicide methods, the most successful ones would have to be fire related.

i happened to be scared of heat.

sanity.

what am i fighting for?

i don’t want to give up. i don’t want to run away anymore. there are many ways to solve problems. money, i can always earn back. emotions and experience are something you can’t buy though and if i can, i want to save my parents from this embarassment and pain that it would put them through.

a few years ago, when i first came, my dad took on a private diploma, but because his comprehension of english is so bad, it caused him so much frustration and embarassment, he stopped going for classes. and he failed it, 2 years in a row from not turning up for classes and handing in empty exam papers.

i won’t expect him to understand my situation, because he wouldn’t be able to. but turning up as a failure might cause him to think he’s a failure even in me.

that’s reason one.

reason 2: this has become my home. i am not sure if i can even be bothered to try and fit into singapore’s society anymore. i loved singapore, but there’s few things she likes about me. it was the best time of my life though, and it did offer me close friends that i would never find elsewhere. but then no one is the same.

and here, i feel at ease, i feel a part of all these, even though i am not. in my state as i am, i am not sure trying to re-fit in would be the best for me.

reason 3: i know i have wasted 3 years of my life, and perhaps looking back on what has happened i should just give up. but looking FORWARD, i don’t see why i should. an average lifespan is about 60-70 years. i am going to reach a mid point soon, but i would still have at least 30 years to go on.

we all have dreams to chase, to fulfill. i have a mission to complete, and i am still not quite there yet, all due to myself. but i can, coz i know i can. the wise knows when to stop, not counting the past 3 years, if i re-start my life now, and yet still fail to achieve what i came here for, then by all means, i will go home and do it another way.

i am not going to stop just coz i failed once. i have failed many times in my life. at some stage, everyone has failed in their lives. i am not giving that as an excuse, but i had rather look upon this as a learning stage, a learning curve.

at each stage of failure, i learnt something and i move on. at each stage, i have always contemplated suicide, because there’s this thing in me which kept thinking suicide is another stab at life. what if all the buddhism idea of reincarnation is true? then perhaps i have another chance at life. another chance to try again, and not be an utter failure.

putting it simply, i just wanted to keep going anyways, but perhaps in another life, in another time. but if it’s going to be later, and if it’s still going to be me, then i am more likely to make the same mistakes and learn the same things while trying to get a hang of this thing called “life”, then i may as well make full use of this wealth of experience i have garnered now and just live it.

besides, if i do appear in another life, in another time, and discover the pain i have caused everyone by choosing the easiest way out, i had probably be even more weighed down with guilt.

i am not going to stay on and make the same mistakes. i know i lost sight of my goals, and i was just floundering there because i didn’t want anything to do with the rest of the world. this degree in itself is just a piece of paper, not worth my pain, my attention, my tears, my life.

but it’s what i wanted to do with it that does.

i’m sorry about the time i wasted, if anything, i would have gone back to change a few things just coz of the financial burden it has become.

but if i had the money, i wouldn’t have changed a thing because of the lessons learnt. it’s not an ego thing, however there are somethings that should be learnt, and if life has to deal it out the harsh ways, then by all means, it could make me a stronger person.

i will live.