stars

…and then being not strong for once, and just leaving it all to my friends to hold me while i fall, is a good feeling.

perhaps sadistic, but a good feeling to know that all’s not lost, that there’s always someone to hold u when you can’t be strong and needs a shoulder to cry on.

too many times, i have just pretended to be strong when i am dying inside. and when i can’t take it no more, i just sit in my corner (yes, that’s why this is labelled my little corner) and weep because everything seems to be falling apart around me, so quickly, so hard to keep tight.

i called home, to norjit, and she stayed by me, upset with me for being silly, but throwing ideas into the air, offering help in anyway.

then by sheer stroke of fate, one of my friends from primary school (yes, way back when i was all alone, i actually had a few friends somehow) somehow got together with another friend from a more recent past. i didn’t set them up together, i don’t even know how they found each other. but there they are, together as a couple.

and they started chatting together with me online and i told them about what happened. i was brought to tears, because they loved me so much on their own, and together, they just made it all the more.. worse? happier? for me.

“come back, we love you, we will take care of you..”

“do you need us to come over now? or any time, any place, we send some one for you?”

“do you want to meet up with us?”

“are you ok? calm down, we will help you out.”

“come back, we will solve this for you…”

despite whatever broken promises i laid down to them, no matter how many flare ups we had with each other (both me and renee have like… terrible tempers, 2 sitting volcanoes, waiting to kill each other), they are here. right here.

and for that moment, i just let everything down again, and weep, because everything seems so dim, despite the little light. everything felt like, everything i touch, they just turn bad. i don’t know if i can make things right at times, it scares me shitless.

and these 2 very different people, whom i have no idea how they even found each other (despite the fact that both knew me o.o) they both love me in their very own ways. i know, it’s not good to be reliant on others, to be retarded and go all putty when help comes along my way. i am trying to be strong, to stand up on my own, but when this help comes along, with a love so strong between friends, oh god, it feels good to sit there and savour in it, bathe in it, and weep.

because they understand.

because they aren’t going to turn away from me.

because they aren’t going to judge me.

the counsellor said, “it is a great thing, that you have this gift to feel deeply for people. it is sad that it causes you pain as well, but it is a great thing.”

but wouldn’t you want to love these people too?

the hardest thing, is often to love the enemy, not to love the person who shower you with so much care, support, when you most need it.

the hardest thing, is to forgive past wrongdoings.

then again, my friends have forgiven me for the various times i threw tables and chairs at them, broke my promises to them. they are so above that.

there might be no bright light at the end of this tunnel. there are plenty of stars though. they come in the form of friends.

just for the record, i dont think i have spoke to renee for the last 3.5 years. scary aye?