Closing doors and a light
i walked into uni today, it was starting to get warm. this time of the year, it’s a little unstable, wavering between the semi-warmth of spring, and the bitter cold of winter.
yes i know, out there in the world, there will always be a colder winter, but this is what i am experiencing right now, and i happen to enjoy cold anyways.
i see people lying in the sun, studying, reading their bricks while mine lay cold, uncared for at home. this time, it’s no longer by choice, or by sheer pain. how ironic, as i go take out my forms to fill for a print out of my transcript.
i had a talk with my counsellor, who had a talk with the dean of admin, and it’s a no go. oh no, i wasn’t keeping my hopes up again this time. i am not denying myself, but in the last week, when my entire world turned upside down, i realised the uni is the last place to expect hope in. while if i have been a good and normal student, there probably would not have been so much problems.
all i have to do is to sign up, go for classes, and voila, everything is nicely done.
the uni, is but a blind fool.
i speak like a spurned lover, but i AM bitter, and i AM upset, i am not denying all these. However, i cannot be blind either to their faults. i think that’s where my problems lie too. i ignore people’s flaws too much, and then when it comes whacking in my face, i don’t know where to start, what to start complaining about.
i had issues in my life, i am starting to change. hell, i am even going to a counsellor voluntarily, things i would die to even do back in the past, but no, they won’t listen.
“She has talked about these issues in her show cause (although not in such details), and the review committee has rejected her appeal. I understand the distress she’s going through, but i am sure the review committee has made an informed decision. i regret to say that the decision to exclude her stands.”
what bull. this is what i wrote:
“They range from financial issues, to relationship issues, to the passing away of a friend and a family member.”
how does that equate informed decision? they knew nothing.
the last 3 years that i have been here, i have done nothing to solve the problems i had, because i couldn’t talk about it. it wasn’t my story to tell. i can’t go to people “hey my friend was cutting himself, go save him” because it wasn’t my story to tell. i can’t go to people saying “i deleted 15k words in the last 3 months because i hated my essays” because people might make me see a shrink.
yes, the shrink. what a stigma.
the doors are closed now, and nothing i do can help me, i guess. i might never see ANU again, and suddenly, i don’t really care anymore. i used to love ANU. i even got upset with Gin coz she mentioned something about ANU being ranked less than UOM.
the reality is though, and this is after some extensive readings from various universities, students become a “customer” to universities. when we reach the end of our shelf life, or threaten their very existence as a “prestigious” university, we get the boot. they need to protect themselves, and that i can’t deny.
in some sense, at times, some of us students might feel that if we become too big a problem, universities turn us away, because we might cost more than we actually paid.
it still hurts though, how i have been literally deleted off their system just like that. yer, i don’t exist.
life moves on though, and the better of us would also recognise that one does not need certification to be successful in life. check out bill gates and steve jobs. they got successful regardless of their original certification, dropouts and what not. this is not a comfort to me, nor to say i have quit.
i am not quitting.
fuck no.
after they had put me through, i am going to make the fuck out in this world and figure some way where they will NEED me. ^.^ sounds a little optimistic, but i am only 24 (or going to be) and say average human lifespan = 70, i have a good 50 years or less to do all that.
yer yer..
EAD…
yer…
now i am going to sleep. it’s going to get better. some how.
