the dam

in my hurry to close this chapter of my life and start another one last week, i overlooked several important details. one of which was to ensure i had copies of the transcript that i was given in the rush to get over to university of canberra. then today, i called to ask about another unofficial transcript, since i have to wait for the official one to be prepared.

“cheryl, please, look at yourself, this is where you should start looking around at things that you should be responsible to yourself for. you can’t keep on relying on people to do things for you, to plan things for you. you should start doing things for yourself.” the woman said in an exasperated voice.

“i know but everything happened in such a hurry, i didn’t know what to do, i was all muddled up…”

“no, you know it’s coming cheryl, you know it for a long time. this is something that was happening for a long time.”

tears fell. the support that i thought i had was but a shaky one.

“i am not trying to be hard on you cheryl, but you got to start looking after yourself, and show the authorities you meant it when you said you would be responsible for yourself.”

more tears fell.

“so have you told your parents?” she asked, even though her voice hinted that she knew what was coming up as an answer.

“no. i can’t.”

silence

“look, cheryl, what would you tell them when things starts going awry?”

“i just can’t, not now, not for a while. ok?”

copies of transcript. it’s like the end of a certain life that i knew it as. not too long ago, i was staring at a transcript, mesmerised by it, wanting it to have my name on it, but i know that the circumstances would not allow it.

now it is like a mark of how much i am responsible to myself.

on the one hand, i am hurt, this university that i have loved so much has not been much help the last few days. not that i should expect it from them, after all, to them, i am just a money churner. universities these days, students are like commodities, are we not? once we have reached our shelf life, there’s not much use for us.

crude, but practical.

2 weeks ago, if i said i had problems with my email, they would have tried to resolve it within 24 hours.

now. i have problems with my email. it’s been about 6 days now or so. nothing has been done.

in our system, we had an advisor’s comment’s thing. it’s been 3 years now. yes, 3 years. i have never seen it once used. the emails they claimed to have sent me, i have never ever received. Prepared for the worst? yes, i should have been. but even the harshest of authorities gives fair warning. i thought i still had a small amount of time to change.

and now there’s none. none that i can smell of, none that i can think of. none.

and nobody seems to want to help me when they are in the positions to. i am reliant on them professionally. i am not asking them to do things for me. i was in a state of a muddle, i was in a state of crisis. i can’t think. i was freaking out.

i wanted to quickly do things before they go bad or i am unable to save myself.

was that wrong that i forgot to zap a copy of the transcript for myself?

would you, in my position, want to be kept a copy of an unhappy thing to yourself, while your head is all messed up because the university that you love so much just “deleted” you?

would you?

i would, only because i had to. and only if i could, in my circumstances, to. but to be upset at me coz i was muddled up.

oh. i lost an ally in this fight.