tired

the last couple of days were alot of lessons learnt, alot of pain, alot of sorrow and discoveries that perhaps i should not be having that occurred. i was very badly sick right on tuesday, a day of a fairly important issue, when i find out something. it’s alot of too much, too soon, all at the wrong time, coupled with being sick, at some stage, i couldn’t find the strength to walk, nor the ability to soothe myself to sleep.

i am not going to go into details here, because alot of it is complicated, and alot of it i have never told anyone. originally, when i first felt anything, i would come here and blog about it. i never really got out to say how much it hurts though, because it is the internet, and like i have said before, i don’t like laying myself raw.

but the healing process have to start, if not for Tuesday, it was for me.

let me tell you this other side of me that you had a few glimpses of over the last few months, and then more of in the last few days in my “a year on” re-caps.

i have said before, i love my friends. the thing is, i never really like sharing my problems with them till it’s too late or because it’s blown out of proportion and i think they should know about it so that they be prepared if anything should happen that would shock them otherwise. it’s not about the shame of it, it’s more of i felt myself as a burden if i do tell them. i know that’s what friends are for, to share your problems with.

i could never tell though. i can’t tell people, i left my friend to die alone that night. i can’t tell them XXX tried to kill himself last night, because that’s not really my story to tell and some people don’t understand why it would hurt me anyways.

after all i am not the one cutting myself up.

at a personal level, i also pushed it all away, not wanting to believe that they could affect me. that i would be all right eventually and time heal all wounds. but i was so wrong, because here i am, as pained as i was a year ago, two years ago, and perhaps more.

right now i am seeking a change in environment, and i am not sure that’s the best choice for me, but it’s the only way i can ensure i am in an environment that could care for me while i still need it, and still seek treatment finally for the pain i have been dwelling in for the last year and more. it’s the only way i can ensure some normality in my life, while i finally allow someone to help me move on, facing something new which i would have never done if i am in singapore.

the stigma of seeing a counsellor is hard to face in singapore. and this is where my parents would be more of a hindrance than of a help. here i have friends that care for me, counsellors and strangers even, who all wants me to get well.

the strange thing is, the very avenue that i pay to treat me like that, made me feel like a piece of shit. like some kind of a wandering ghost in australia, who doesn’t even seem to be worth reporting to immigration about. nor be cared for to be warned about in case they take drastic measures against me. nor to even try and bolster anything for me.

at this point, i am not trying to point fingers and blame them, for a large part of it, i am grown up enough to know what i am doing, and should have consciously realised i was digging myself a grave deeper than i have ever did before. i just want them to know though, that if i can feel like a piece of money churning shit, so can someone else. and another someone else. and so forth.

the hard part of this entire learning process, was to tell people i was having problems, people whom i cared for, who cares for me but i lied to so they didn’t know what’s going on. on many levels, i am so so sorry i lied. i am sorrier still, that i excluded you guys from the harsh side of my life. i thought i could handle it, i thought things would buck up. they never did, they just kept on getting worse. from a person suiciding, it went to someone who actually died. from a dad disbelieving that i miscalculated $2k funds, it went to a boyfriend who kept no promises on the 5k+ that was owed because of him.

i can list even more, but those are now sadly filed up into the past, the pain is not just in those things, but mostly in the blood that i saw, and felt that i could have done something about them. and that’s what making me so messed up now.

it came to a point where, when i had first weep and rail at my laptop during my first essays because they suck but because i know i had to hand them in, i had write full essays. and then..

i delete them.

i get upset. go to bed. and forget them. because i am never good enough. so i go on to my friends and pretend everything is ok, because i don’t want them to know, that i am not good enough. on the one hand, i am not ashamed about it, i am not afraid entirely to lose them. but i was worried that they had try and help me, and then get extra workload on their backs just coz they were helping me.

to date, interestingly, over the past 3 years or so, i have written close to 200k words over different essays. just on essays alone. and i have deleted over 180k of them all. the 20k was those that actually made it or so.

the friends though, they are amazing. in desperation, in turmoil, because i was so sick, i couldn’t even weep, i called up singapore, and it was late. norjit heard my wailings over the phone, and beratings became brainstormings on how to get me out of the situation. ideas, offerings, and lotsa love. i love you too ah ma, even though you’re never likely to learn where’s the pc switch - on button to come see this crap (it’s going on an sms).

norjit = ah ma. funny eh?

when i got over the stupidity of trying not to let on my problems, and honestly, i was getting to that point where i was just going to run somewhere and not tell anyone and then just sit there and hope my problems run away from me, i started telling linxy. then it moved on from there to everyone.

the hard part, again, is always going to be the starting of my truths, the horror and pain behind them, and hoping it won’t affect them. everyone had this view somehow that i am strong and could handle it. let me just repeat this again, so i guess it’s easier for me and everyone:

i can’t handle farewells.

as in..

bye… forever.

i don’t think anyone can anyways, it’s a matter of how one deals with it. if it’s just bye, i am coming back for holidays, hell yer i can handle it. but when it’s going to be like death, he’s gone. kaput. i can’t go call him and say, come online let’s talk. it’s also pretty sudden, and then everything around me just falls apart.

with every sharing though, it seems more painful though, at some stage, yet relieving, yet painful. i don’t know if i am making sense of this. the last few days of sharing has worn me out, and at some point, i think i am going to pass out from heart burn or something. i am put on this ocean of uncertainty for the first time, and it’s uncomfortable, it’s driving me mad, it tires me out, but i can’t sleep i can’t eat.

i get paranoid too because of various events. i check all my emails like fuck. sometimes 20 times in an hour. excessive? not really. i was shoved a painful thing this week, some claims i can’t refute because it’s my words pit against theirs. in a foreign country, where the bigger matter at hand was my own responsibility, i guess i would have lost out anyways.

and then i hit refresh again and again, i don’t know what i am finding. i am so lost now, i don’t know what i am expecting or hoping. i mean i know what i am hoping and looking for, but i also know this is not the time for them. so what else am i looking for, hoping for?

i guess a part of me wants to find that everything was a bad hoax. a joke. that it wasn’t real. with every click, i would go back to 2003, the day after, and then get myself sorted out. or just possibilities that the last few days were but a bad hoax, mistake ANYTHING…

i am glad though, like i said, my friends have been overly supportive. i don’t know how i would have gone through everything without them. even the strangers who needn’t have done anything more for me, since they are no longer paid for that bit to do that for me, but they are offering themselves up to help me, to just come do something with them. in this time when i am just fallin apart, i am just so glad.. so glad for all these helping hands, even though i don’t know some of them.

i am especially grateful to them. and also to jake.

i was falling apart and he just stood there and held on. it’s hard in a long distance relationship. harder yet, coz we have never met. he offered help, ideas, everything. researched while i was paralysed by my grief, hopelessness. thanks sweetie, i love you so much.

jun..19.

haha.. that was..a year ago. when my half unravelled world just fell off it’s hinges altogether. i thought it couldn’t get worse but it just did.

this time though, i have my friends. i am fighting to stay alive though, i am trying not to give up coz it’s so easy to just die away on the side of Black Mountain and then everything ends. it’s too easy to sit in a corner of my tardis, weeping, and hoping everything would just stop flying around my ears.

or sit in the corner of the bathroom cubicle and hope the shower would wash everything away.

i am fighting. i am so tired though from the last few days. so drained. so dispirited. it would get hard on me. don’t give up on me though?

don’t leave me?

just hold me?

i need you.

all of you.