I don’t like asking for help, even when I do desperately need it. I like to play down my problems, what I feel, until sometimes it’s too late and everything just bubble and froth over like they are not meant to. I know I can be a drama queen, or a complaining bitch – but it’s not a call for help, more like a need to vent my frustrations than anything else.

This has carried over right into my work, again, entirely unintended. I would often forget to press to call bell, if something untoward happens to either me or a resident, mostly thinking and deciding that I can do the right thing by myself. Most times I am correct, and the one time I wasn’t, I was lightly punched unexpectedly by a resident. Not a big deal there, for now.

What really caught me by surprise was how it can affect others. When I decide not to seek help, I always thought it’s less of a burden to other people. Look less needy, get out of their way – what have you. I never thought it could cause other feelings.

a couple of nights ago, my buddy and I went around fixing everyone up and putting them into bed. we forgot to do something that wasn’t a part of our routine as the resident was previously quite able to move around (she suffered a stroke over the last weekend), which was to turn her on her side. What we didn’t really foresee was how the nurse on the ward was constantly following us and making sure we did the right thing.

I mean, she’s always checking on everyone, so we never thought it was intentional for anyone in particular anyways. this is a nurse who is constantly and easily flustered over the smallest of things and it can be quite amusing or annoying depending on who is at the receiving end of it.

but she was watching us.

After picking up on the mistake, she proceeded to tell a fellow colleague how she really felt about us, not in a very nasty way mind you. Just sort of puzzled and exasperated.

“they are good, I am not saying that they are not. They are just too… tranquil.. calm… about this whole thing. working in this ward. they seem to not need any help or anything, or they don’t want to ask for help.”

In essence, after stating that in her usual flustered way, she felt as if we don’t need her around. That we knew our way too well and had never seemed to have a problem. it was quite interesting to view it from that angle. I mean, I always thought she’s quite busy and try not to get in her way – but have inadvertantly caused her to feel quite useless.

So here, to everyone I love, I am sorry if I ever made you feel that way. I just don’t like getting underfoot!