I held a dying person’s hands last night. It was cold, and she was clammy. She had bowel cancer, she’s perspiring, she’s cold all over and she’s in terrible pain – not to mention all choked up with a tight chest.

And she’s incredibly alone, with no family for us to call to come see her for one last time.

So I sat there, and held her hands. I called her name, I sang to her and I prayed for her.

There’s something incredibly humbling about all that, that despite whatever we do in life, we will all die, some more painful than others. And some infinitely more lonely. The people who walk through our lives, we never really acknowledge them or appreciate them – they are just the passerbys after all, to some.

The other side of the story is how I wished in all my heart that she could be released from her pain. Once upon a time, my grandpa passed away. It was the saddest day of my life, for various reasons. I had full blown eczema, and could not stand in the hot hot sun, which would have excarbated the problem further. so, I was the only grandchild left behind, in a nice air conditioned car left to trail behind the funeral procession, and then not allowed near the graveyard.

And all I could think about was, “I haven’t apologised to you yet, you don’t have a right to leave yet.” My grandpa, despite his gruff appearances, was a gentle, generous man. At the age of 80, he climbed up the tree to pick some mangos/durians (the story differs based on which aunt you talk to) for our neighbours. he fell, hit his head, and started some bad condition in his body. far as I know, he was diagnosed with 2 years to live.

I knew he lived in constant pain, but my aunts made sure that he at least did things that would have left his life somewhat fulfilled.

Last night though, lied a woman who have no family to do such a thing for her, nor visited her in at least 3-4 years. She’s probably lived her own life, but to fulfillment? I don’t know. All I know is, a painless death would have been preferred if she could have helped it.

I said my farewells, and then I left. They don’t talk much about this, how emotionally attached health professionals can be towards their patients. A doctor once commented that anaesthetists, dentists and psychiatrists are the frequent suicide cases of the health professions, and the only reason why they are right at the top is because of the ease of access to lethal drugs. While death is a frequent occurrence in aged care, I do have to wonder, how many nurses wish they can stop viewing some macabre deaths, such as that in children.